Champzilla Sportsman Diaries: DOUBLE HEADER- Trenton Thunder @ New Hampshire Fishercats, Merchantauto.com Stadium, Manchester NH//Scranton WB Yankees @Pawtucket Red Sox, McCoy Stadium, Pawtucket RI 5/24/09
By Dan | June 14, 2009
On Friday April 24th, 2009, I suffered a severe concussion. While training new lifeguards I was administering the skills test while acting as their victim. During a routine back-boarding scenario, two of the trainees dropped me on my head. I don’t remember much else after that, but I somehow got myself dressed and walked around work for two hours before someone noticed I wasn’t making any sense when I talked. An ambulance was called, the rest of the day was spent in the emergency room, and the long recovery began.
Apparently recovering from a concussion takes a long time, especially when it comes to regaining memory and handling mood swings, but it did leave me with a newfound respect for athletes recovering from brain injuries. Who am I kidding? It left me with a newfound respect for Teddy Bruschi, Brian Scalabrine, and any MMA fighter who’s fought Fedor Emelianenko.
The entire week that I wasn’t able to drive, work, or hangout I’d think about what I would want to do when I got better. It took my friend’s GENIUS masterwork of screwing with the New Hampshire Fishercats’ Wikipedia Page that I realized I wanted my first post-concussion beers at a Fishercats game. What was supposed to be a quiet afternoon ballgame quickly became one of the best sports memories of my life.
My buddy and I drive to Mercantauto.com Stadium (great name, by the way) in beautiful ‘Manch-Vegas’ New Hampshire and buy the finest 6 dollar seats in the stadium- the aluminum bleacher seats. The beer line was relatively small since it was an afternoon game after all, so I was able to grab my tall cool Budweisers and grab some aluminum bench before the first pitch. My first ‘beer-covery’ sips had just hit my lips when a young woman in a Fishercats shirt holding a microphone asks me and my buddy (also double-fisting Buds) if we would want seat upgrades.
I looked at my buddy, shrugged, made a ‘what-the-hell/why-not’ expression, looked back at the girl, shrugged again and said “Ok. Sure.” Now that was me calmly accepting the invitation, because I felt that if I had overreacted she would rescind her offer. We got plopped right in front of home plate, got FREE T-SHIRTS, and were put on jumbo-tron. We were told beforehand that we would not be allowed to speak when put on the jumbo-tron, but I managed to yell out a quick “fishacaaaat” before they cut back to the game.
Unfortunately, what was shaping up to be the greatest day ever suffered from a sudden spring shower. Even though it was very minute, and the game was not stopping, people started rushing to the concourse area so they wouldn’t get slightly damp. I made a make-shift tent out of my FREE T-SHIRT and began feeling very proud of myself for toughing it out.
Yes Dan. This is it. You’re proving you’re the number one Fishercats fan, and people are going to notice it. There’s a reason you got seat upgrades and a FREE T-SHIRT: Because you’re a Champ. And God knows you’re a Champ. Yeah…God knows you’re a champ and the greatest Fishercats fan ever and He gave you a seat upgrade with a FREE T-SHIRT because you’re the Champ and a Champ deserves a FREE seat upgrade and a FREE T-SHI-
“I don’t want to sit in the rain.” My friend says totally disrupting my inner monologue that easily could have gone on for several more minutes.
“Awww, jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez. You don’t understand. God wants us to be here. It’s a no-hitter going into the second inning. We’re probably going to see a no-hitter if we stay.” I argued.
“Yeah, but if God wanted us here, he wouldn’t have let it rain.”
Damn. His reasoning was sound.
“Let’s just go get more beers and watch the rest of the inning in the concourse. I’m sure it will stop raining soon. Then we’ll go back.”
Even sounder reasoning. I was out of beers, might as well grab some and enjoy them without getting rain in them, thus turning them into Michelob Ultras.
So as soon as I turned my back and began ascending the stairs to the concourse level, a ball was hit down the first base line, effectively ending the no-hitter. I was crushed. My friend, feeling it was his fault that he jinxed it (it was), offered to buy me a beer. For those of you who may end up being in this situation one day, a beer is an acceptable form of apology for jinxing a would-be-no-hitter, as are Arby’s coupons, but there is no beer with an APV% high enough that can make you forget the hurt your friend has caused. My white whale has escaped me again…
Anyways, after that tragedy ended my favorite part of the game began. Making drunken purchases at the team gift shop. What minor league apparel/novelties did I walk away with this game? The new official Fishercats hat, the new “It’s a Fishercats thang.” T-shirt, and a plush doll of the NEW tertiary Fishercats mascot ‘The Rah-lee Llama’. All the purchases seemed like wise choices at the time, but I remember thinking it made sense to buy a new t-shirt since I already received a FREE one, because I was technically “up a t-shirt”, or whatever the hell that meant at the time. Did I mention I was drunk?
As I got back to my seat and explained the whole “up a t-shirt” logic to my friend, we noticed that everyone surrounding us had radar guns and notepads. We were either in the ‘scout section’ or the ‘minor-league-pitching-enthusiast section’. My gut told me they were scouts. That and the guy with the Astros note pad said “Yes, I’m a scout.” when we asked him if he was a scout. Apparently even though a Blue Jays affiliate was playing a Yankees affiliate, scouts from rival organizations attend minor league baseball games around the country to see what prospects are worth trading for. I found this fascinating. (I checked, I did mention I was drunk.)
As the seventh inning approached and beers were about to be cut off, I began trying to make plans for the rest of the Sunday night. Memorial Day was the next day, and my buddy and I did have the day off. In the spirit of the holiday I felt like I wanted to see another good old fashioned American baseball game, and not something commercial like a movie or chain restaurant. I immediately asked my friend to Google Search ‘ballgames’ on his iPhone so we could take my Toyota Matrix for a drive to another stadium before filling up at Exxon and Burger King.
“Hey, are you guys going to another ballgame?” asked a scout.
“Trying to, I just broke even on t-shirts, so might as well try my luck elsewhere.” I said (still drunk).
“Well, the PawSox are playing 2 hours south of here. Playing another Yankee affiliate too. Should be a good game.”
It was settled. After sobering up with a free box of Ritz 100 calorie packs handed to us upon exiting, we made our way to Pawtucket, Rhode Island (Side note: joking aside, we actually did stop at BK and Exxon. I wanted a Star Trek glass and we needed gas and chicken fries for the drive).
We got to McCoy Stadium and again bought 6 dollar aluminum bleacher seats. Sadly, there was no seat upgrade this time. We tried to make our own, sitting in two seats right behind home plate. It was a happy coincidence having one of the scouts from the previous game recognize us at this game (he made the same trip too), but it was a very unhappy turn of events when the usher asked us for tickets to seats we did not have. After a few beers and becoming ‘down a t-shirt’ because of a trip to the gift shop, we sat at our crummy bleacher seats until it began to downpour in the fourth inning. We took for cover in the tented snack area behind the Yankee affiliate bullpen.
A bunch of pre-teens led by a tall kid with braces began asking the pitchers for gum. When their requests were ignored, they began throwing rocks at their cleats and duffle bags. The boys apparent ‘leader’ didn’t let his braces get in the way of letting his expletives fly. After several minutes of unbridled taunting directed towards the bullpens mothers (who I’m sure are lovely and not ‘fat asses’ as the boys suggested) the future Yankees offered their persecutors some Dubble Bubble if they would put a halt to the taunting. A truce was made by Minor League Red Sox fans and Minor League Yankees, which would normally bring a tear to ones eye over the overwhelming showing of sportsmanship, but alas, the aforementioned truce was short lived. The Dubble Bubble wrapping was quickly removed only to reveal the rocks the kids had been throwing at them, and not delicious Dubble Bubble bubble gum. I have to admit, I laughed pretty hard, even if it was a laugh shared with men who would become Yankees.
My buddy and I didn’t stay for the rest of the game, and instead watched the end in a KFC from a food court at a Rhode Island casino. I can’t for the life of me remember who won either of the two games I watched, but it turned out to be the first ever Pre-Memorial-Day-Make-Your-Own-Double-Header (to my knowledge), and I’ll always remember it when I’m looking through my ticket stub album and see the two stubs for the same day.
Yes, I do save my ticket stubs in an album.
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Classic Champzilla (from 2006)
By Dan | May 2, 2009
I got a spam comment from my old LiveJournal page, and it was on this post. The comment was about some stupid spyware thing, but it gave me the oppurtunity to revisit this early gem. ‘Dead Israeli atheletes’? What was I thinking?
I’m sorry buddy.
I always thought in my head and in my heart that I would be the first to go and not you.
I’ll never forget this day as long as I live. This is without a doubt one of the darkest days of my life.
I got up at 9:30 am, since I’m currently unemployed. I decided that I would take an extra long drive out to Arby’s in Worcester so I could listen to Howard Stern at 10am, eat some delicious fast food, and come home in time for work. I never thought that on that drive I would learn of your demise.
I pulled into Arby’s drive-thru at 11:30. I ususally look at the menu before hand to see all the wonderful sandwiches I can get, but its pointless for me to do so. I know the one I want.
In a matter of seconds I hear the Arby’s lady say “May I help you?”
“Yes, I would like a Big Montana combo.”
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry the Big Montana anymore.”
My heart sank. This can’t be happening again. You bastards. You took the Arch Deluxe. You took the Hickory Bacon Cheddar Triple Cheesburger. You even taunt us with McRib, only to take it away without warning over and over again. But good GOD not this. Not this way.
“Um, are you going to have it back, like……by noon or something. I’ll wait.”
“No, I’m sorry sir, it was discontinued.”
That was it. I began to think of life without it. I won’t be able to get an erection for at least a month, no matter how many dead Israeli olympic athletes I think of.
The Arby’s lady tried in vain to console me. “Sir…..sir….? We have a new ‘Large’ Roast Beef sandwich. I can give you that with a combo.”
“Huh? Oh…..yeah…..yeah, sure.”
“You want regular fries, or curly?”
“(sniff)….curly.”
“You want a coke with it?”
“…..um….(sob) (choke) um…..diet coke….”
“Sure….will that be all?”
“….could I…..(sniff)…..could I get an…..an extra large roast beef sandwich with my combo?”
“Of course, anything you want? Please drive around…..everything’s gonna be OK.”
So I park in the parking lot, take out my sandwiches, look at them and begin crying. Why couldn’t God dicontinue me instead?
I eat the large roast beef sandwich.
Same size as Big Montana.
Tastes the same.
But no GIGANTIC plastic container. And its no longer named after the Fourth largest state (in terms of area). This blows.
I remeber when I was a kid, I used to get a regular roast beef sandcwich. Then when I got a little older, two regular roast beefs. Then they came out with “Giant Roast Beef” and I’d get that. Then came Big Montana. I had just turned 13, and it was if Arby’s was telling me “Welcome to manhood.” It was like my own non-jewy Bar-Mitzvah. It was a Roast-Beef-mitzvah if you will. Then came the day I did the impossible. I went to Arby’s after getting Triple H’s autograph at the Worcester Centrum. Two Big Montanas. Yeah, I did it. It was awesome. Now I’ll never be able to do it again.
It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind.
Big Montana
1996-2006
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Question!
By Dan | April 15, 2009
So here’s the deal:
On my birthday the New Hampshire Fishercats (my favorite minor league team) are playing the Portland Sea Dogs (Double A Red Sox affiliate) in beautiful portland Maine, minutes away from the Shipyard Brewery (my favorite beer). On the same day the New England Revolution (my favorite soccer team) are playing in one game out of a three game triple-header at Gillette Stadium. Gillette Stadium is of course located in the heart of Patriot Place, which is probably the greatest place on Earth (Five Guys Burgers, Lux Level Movies, Bar Louie, Bass Pro Shops, Patriots Hall of Fame/Pro Shop).
What do I do?
Discuss.
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Champzilla Sportsman Diaries: FC Dallas @ New England Revolution, Gillette Stadium 4/4/09
By Dan | April 5, 2009
I had been excited for this game for quite some time now. For the past couple of weeks I had been looking at the design for the free scarf I was to receive at ‘free scarf night’ on the Revolution website. It looked so unique, completely different from my other scarves, a perfect addition to the three I have draped over the headrests in my car. On my driver’s side I had the classic Revolution team scarf I bought last season at the Pro Shop when I was drunk. On the passenger side was my “Superliga 2008” scarf I bought at last year’s Superliga finals. I was drunk when I bought that too, but we had just won the whole thing on Penalty Kicks, and I needed something to commemorate that moment. The final scarf was my new “Midnight Rider” scarf, which I draped over the ‘bitch seat’ headrest. I wasn’t drunk for that purchase, just bored at work when I bought it online.
My game plan was to go to “free scarf night” which was coincidentally the first home game of the season for the Revs, get aforementioned “free scarf”, party all game long and cap the night off with a Five Guys burger. My Midnight Rider scarf would get pushed over from the ‘bitch seat’ to the rear passenger seat, and the new scarf would take up the remaining passenger seat, completing my collection (The bitch seat will remain vacant for now, maybe reserved for a “Boston Breakers” scarf down the line). Fortunately for me most of what I said went according to plan, but not everything.
I was a bit hungover after a Friday night out with some work buddies. As much as I tried to tough it out, I had to come to the realization that I wouldn’t be able to consume too many cocktails before, during or after the game. My buddy and I got to the stadium early to buy some tickets. We decided on getting some Club tickets since it was the first game of the season, and worthy of a special seat. Later we would go looking for a burger, my favorite hang-over cure.
I had told a co-worker the other day that even though Five Guys has an amazing burger, I felt my buddy had been getting sick of it since we had eaten there our last three visits to Patriot Place and that I may have to give “Red Robin” a try. She then told me that “Bar Louie” was not only a great bar, but had very good burgers and was worth trying. Taking her advice I suggested it to my buddy and we gave it a go.
Bar Louie was a good time, and did not disappoint burger-wise. The seats were extremely comfortable, the high-def televisions were plentiful, and it had a hell of a beer list. If I wasn’t hungover, I would have enjoyed it more but still managed to down a Bud Light bottle in honor of the Revolution’s first kick. My buddy had become increasingly annoyed with some people behind us who were upset that we were at our seats for so long, even going as far to make audible rude comments intended for our ears. Comments aside, my conscience never once bothered me while I was seated at the bar in front of those yuppies. Bars are intended for drinking and watching the Final Four, if they had wanted a seat they should’ve tried SkipJack’s, but that’s just my opinion.
After leaving Bar Louie and giving those vultures our seats, we made our way to the Stadium to get the much-daydreamed-about free scarf. After mistaking the free-program kid AND the free-magnetic schedule kid for the free-scarf kid, I finally got what I was waiting for: a free- by gawd- scarf. It was handed to me much like a community college professor would hand out his syllabi, but with an added “heeeeeeere’s your scarf.” It was plastic wrapped like a happy-meal prize, and folded in a neat little rectangle that could not have been thicker than a few pieces of paper. I immediately tore into it like it was the Wonka Bar with the last golden ticket. I thought my scarf was misprinted, because when I looked at it the logo was the mirror opposite of the Revolution logo. Luckily my soberness allowed me to see that I was looking at the back of the scarf, and after turning it around I realized that my two-week long dream of having a fourth soccer scarf had become a reality.
Due to the club seats my buddy and I had a bit of a walk to get to our section. When we got to the club entrance we were greeted by another free-program kid, another free-magnetic schedule kid, and yes- another free-scarf kid. Thoughts of some crazy Machiavellian double-free-scarf strategic scheme briefly came into my mind, but instead I found myself hiding the first free scarf in my jacket while getting handed a second. Getting a second scarf was such a rush that I immediately had to urinate due to my unbridled excitement.
Using the urinals in the club section is an entirely different experience than using the urinals outside the Fort, mainly because you’re in a heated indoor area. After an incredibly comfortable men’s room experience I exited out the back door only to come face to face with the meanest looking security guard I’ve ever seen. He reminded me of Quinton “Rampage” Jackson of MMA fame. He looked at me up and down and realized something was amiss.
“Whatchu got in yo jacket?”
I was terrified. I reached in my jacket and pulled out my second free scarf which was still in its plastic packaging.
“Um, free scarf?”
“Well what’s it doin’ in there?”
I then managed to utter the lamest excuse I could have possibly come up with in the unlikely situation I was interrogated by a security guard resembling the reigning light-heavyweight UFC champion regarding a scarf I was smuggling in my jacket.
“I– I was keeping it in my jacket so it wouldn’t fall while I peed.”
His look of utter disgust was one I would not soon forget.
“Alright then.”
After that horrifying ordeal was over, I was ready for the Revs game. I bought a coffee before finding my seat just for the fact that it was freezing cold out. After my buddy and I settled in our seats a woman noticed the free scarf my buddy was wearing. The woman explained that she did not see anyone giving out free scarves, and therefore her 5 year old son did not receive one. My buddy, who had also gotten a second scarf, offered his extra to the boy. I could have been a gentleman too, but after the interaction with the security guard, I was not at all eager to part with it. That’s right. I’m a jerk who let a young mother go scarf-less for the entire Revolution game. And I had scarves to spare. AND it was freezing.
The Revs came out holding kids hands, and I immediately grabbed my phone to twitter how lame I thought that was. During the introductions I immediately began to wish I was at the Fort. Telling random FC Dallas players they “suck” was something I dearly missed in the club section. The only thing that came close to synchronized soccer chants in the club section was when an FC Dallas player took a 100mph ball to the ass and me and two other gentlemen remarked “That’s gotta sting” at the exact same time. I made eye contact with one of the men, and even gave him a respectful head nod, but the comaraderie was just not the same.
At halftime I made another trip to the bathroom after chugging that coffee. It’s not every day you see a celebrity, but right there in front of the men’s room door was The Revolution Fox mascot (I can never remember his name). I immediately called my buddy who was still back in his seat.
“Dude, you gotta get up here.”
“Nah. I don’t have to piss.”
“No, no, no. The Revolution Fox mascot is up here!”
“…ah…I’m all set.”
“NO! I need you to come up so you can take a picture of me with it.”
“…ah…ok, I’ll be right up.”
I began to get nervous that the Fox would take off before my buddy got to us, but there he was with his iPhone in hand, ready for a pic. I caught the fox’s attention, put my arm around him (her?) and got ready for my pic. After an EXTREMELY uncomfortable amount of time my friend delivered the worst news possible: his camera had frozen, and he would have to take a minute to reboot his phone. By the time his camera was ready again, the Fox was gone. To my credit, I didn’t cry, but I’ll admit to getting the burning sensation you get behind your eyes right before you cry. My buddy apologized profusely, and said he’d make it up to me by getting my picture taken with Wally the Green Monster one day, but I know that’s a virtual impossibility seeing how he’s the Holy Grail of mascot souvenir photography. I just hope that anyone who reads this gets discouraged on buying an iPhone. Sure it can do your taxes, download Family Guy clips and make you breakfast, but its camera freezes during potentially awesome mascot photo-ops.
What I can remember from the game itself was the Revs scoring four goals but only getting two to count. During the last 20 minutes my buddy and I made our way to the Fort, making a pledge to never stray away from the Fort again unless an opportunity to sit in President’s Club arrived. Free scarf night ended on a high note when my buddy suggested a post Revs victory Five Guys burger before hitting the road. After a delicious burger I made my way to the parking lot where I redecorated my car with my newly acquired free scarf knowing that my spare could be donated in its original packaging to the future site of the New England Revolution Hall of Fame (in the waiting room at the new Olive Garden).
Best free scarf night ever.
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Worst Playoffs Ever.
By Dan | January 3, 2009
Despite having an amazing 11-5 season with a high school QB and a bunch of nobodies, the New England Patriots don’t make the playoffs because of Fuckin’ Farve and Eric Mangina. Lame.
Because the entire West Coast of the United States sucked at football this year we have an 8-8 and 9-7 division winner playing home games this weekend.
Worst Playoffs Ever? I think so.
Predictions-
Atlanta Falcons (11-5) over the Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
Atlanta Falcons are white hot this season with the Rookie of the Year Matt Ryan at QB and the best Running Back in the playoffs Michael Turner. Arizona had a good start, but phoned it in in the second half of the season. Hats off to Edgerin James for declaring his wish to not return to the Arizona Cardinals next season. Bold move before the playoffs you moron. I hope you tear both quads in this game.
Indianapolis Colts (12-4) over the Whale’s Vagina Chargers (8-8)
The Chargers may have had the Colts number in past years, but this won’t be the case in this game. Tomlinson hurt his groin and the team is a pathetic 8-8 division winner. Peyton’s the MVP and leading the hottest team in football. Colts win big.
Philadelphia Eagles (9-6-1) over the Minnesota Vikings (10-6)
Minnesota’s offense has been inconsistent all season long. I can say the same about the Eagles, but they’ve been working their asses off as of late, and Westbrook is looking to show up AP on his home turf. Eagles take it.
Baltimore Ravens (11-5) over Miami Dolphins (11-5)
Tip of the hat to Miami for actually having a respectable offense this year. Too bad they have to go against the best defense in the league. Big Gay Ray and company take care of Dimpled Chad while Whacko Flacco does the rest by putting on an adequate performance.
That’s right. All the road teams will win in the first round. I’m so confident I put it in a nice little parlay to make these awful playoffs more exciting.
As for the rest of the playoffs, I’ll say they go something like this:
Ravens over Titans
Steelers over Colts
Giants over the Eagles
Panthers over Falcons
AFC Championship- Ravens over Steelers
NFC Championship- Panthers over Giants
SUPERBOWL 43- Carolina Panthers over the Baltimore Ravens
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The Best AC/DC Song Titles That Never Where
By Taylor | October 18, 2008
1. Orange Discharge
2. Rock Atomic Blues
2. Lovely to Rock Your Lovin
4. Shock the Puss
5. Rock n Roll Unicycle
6. Brass Nuckle Withdrawel
7. Aston Martian
8. Hillbilly Hucklebuck
9. Cock Fights and Rooster Brawls
10. For Those About to Do Well (we tip our caps and give a nod of approval)
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Overheard From the Sidelines at the Pats/Chiefs Game
By TheSexauer | September 10, 2008
Bill Belichick: Okay, it looks like Brady’s going to be out for the rest of the game. Cassel! Get over here!
Matt Cassel (with iPod buds in his ears): “I don’t care ’bout anything but yooooooouuuuuuuuuu………”
Bill Belichick: CASSEL!!!
Matt Cassel: Huh? Oh, yes sir!
Bill Belichick: Cassel, you’re in!
Matt Cassel: Yes, sir, right away. Cream and two sugar, right?
Bill Belichick: No no no, not this time! You’re in the game!
Matt Cassel: In the game? Really? You mean…to…throw the ball?
Bill Belichick: Yes. Now get your ass out there.
Matt Cassel: YES SIR!
Bill Belichick: Wait wait wait wait! Get back here! You’re going to need your helmet!
Matt Cassel: Hah! Oh yeah, right! Garsh….
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Champzilla.com NFL Preview 2008
By Dan | September 3, 2008
No, I didn’t forget. We’re one day away from the NFL season, and Champzilla.com arrives just in time (several weeks after the release of Sports Illustrated’s and ESPN the Magazine’s NFL Preview Isssues) to whet your pigskin appetite (or wet your pigskin vagina if you’re a Dolphins fan)
AFC East-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The New England Patriots
ESPN the Mag Sez: The New England Patriots
Champzilla.com: The New England Patriots. How can anyone pick against the Patriots in this division? With no major losses on offense (even upgrades on RB options) the Pats are set for another AFC East cakewalk. Old Man Farve can have fun chasing that Wild Card slot.
Fun Fact: The 2007 Patriots had more wins in their season than the three remaining AFC East teams combined!
AFC North-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Pittsburgh Steelers
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Pittsburgh Steelers
Champzilla.com Sez: The Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s fun to think the Browns could take it this year, but c’mon. Derek Anderson is a fine QB, but Big Ben is better. I’m still liking Pittsburgh’s Defense, but with a relatively weak running game and the toughest schedule in the NFL I’m not looking for Pittsburgh to run away with this division. 10-6 sounds just about right.
Fun Fact: The Cincinatti Bengals Defensive Line has gotten the OK from the parole board to come within 50 yards of the cheerleaders again.
AFC South-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Indianapolis Colts
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Indianapolis Colts
Champzilla.com Sez: The Indianapolis Colts. As long as Peyton stays healthy and continues to play as well as he does, the Jaguars will always be chasing that Wild Card slot. I think the AFC South will be the toughest division in the league this year. The Texans continue to grow and are sooooooo close to resembling an actual NFL team. The Titans have a healthy Lendale White this season, who I think will be the surprise hit of the year as far as Running Backs are concerned (my fantasy team sure hopes so).
Fun Fact: Peyton Manning has both male and female genitalia.
AFC West-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The San Diego Chargers
ESPN the Mag Sez: The San Diego Chargers
Champzilla.com Sez: The San Diego Chargers. I know, lame, but don’t blame me. Blame the AFC West. The Chiefs? Ewwww. The Raiders? Ewwwwww. The Broncos? EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Fun Fact: The 2008 Broncos starting QB is a 15 year old boy who won an essay contest at his school. Go Jay!
NFC East-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Philadelphia Eagles (WTF?)
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Dallas Cowboys
Champzilla.com Sez: The Washington Redskins. Here’s a team that’s going to fly under the radar this year, much like they did last year. I bet you almost forgot that the Redskins made the playoffs last year. You did, didn’t you? Campbell is continuing to grow as a QB, and Portis is a solid RB. Washington knows that it has a good offense on paper and they worked hard all offseason to build a good defense too, and it looks top ten caliber.
Fun Fact: The Philadelphia Eagles haven’t had a winning season ever since Donovan McNabb sold his soul to the Devil in return for a NFC Championship in 2004 (The Devil is a Pats fan, along with God and Santa)
NFC North-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Minnesota Vikings
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Green Bay Packers
Champzilla.com Sez: The Detroit Lions. Please God, I pick them every year, just let me be right this one time.
Fun Fact: Jon Kitna’s eyes become irritated when swimming in the chlorinated swimming pool at his local YMCA. Better invest in some goggles Jon.
NFC South-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (WTF???)
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Carolina Panthers
Champzilla.com Sez: The New Orleans Saints. It seems like no matter how many hurricanes hit New Orleans before football season the Saints continue to survive. As long as Drew Brees does decent and Reggie Bush actually does something this year (I don’t know what, just something, anything even) the Saints will take this division.
Fun Fact: Nobody picked the Falcons.
NFC West-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Seattle Seahawks
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Seattle Seahawks
Champzilla.com Sez: The Seattle Seahwaks. And behold, the shittiest division in the NFL. Sehawks take this one easy.
Fun Fact: The Seahwaks cut Shaun Alexander to free up money that can be better spent on Mike Holmgren’s lunches. HOLMGREN HUNGRY!
AFC Wild Cards-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Jacksonville Jaguars and the Tennessee Titans
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Jacksonville Jaguars and the Houston Texans
Champzilla.com Sez: The Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans
Fun Fact: Everybody’s totally gay for the AFC South this year.
NFC Wild Cards-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The Dallas Cowboys and the New York Giants
ESPN the Mag Sez: The Philadelphia Eagles and the New Orleans Saints
Champzilla.com Sez: The Dallas Cowboys and the Green Bay Packers
Fun Fact: 73% of all men in America would rather plow Jessica Simpson than win playoff games for the Cowboys. 1% are gay. 1% are Cowboy Fans. 25% are gay Cowboy fans.
SUPERBOWL 43-
Sports Illustrated Sez: The New England Patriots defeat the Philadelphia Eagles
ESPN the Mag Sez: The San Diego Chargers (gay) defeat the New Orleans Saints
Champzilla.com Sez: The New England Patriots defeat the Washinton Redskins
Fun Fact: I’m right.
….in an alternate reality where the New England Patriots did not exist-
Champzilla.com Sez: I guess I’d still give it to the NFC and the Washington Redskins. They’re my upset team this year and will hopefully win me many many many parlays this year.
Fun Fact: The Buffalo Bills, Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears, and 75% of the NFC West were not mentioned at all in this entire article until now.
Topics: Dan, Sports | No Comments »
The 50 Greatest Things Ever (#40-31)
By Dan | August 16, 2008
#40- Drive Thru Anything. Not only is drive-thru the best way to get food, but now drive thru’s are used for pharmaceutical needs, banking, and– for most states south of the Mason Dixon Line– alcohol, firearms, and wedding chapels. The other day I had to go get money from my bank account at Bank of America. Unfortunately, the nearest Bank of America to my house does not have a drive thru ATM. So what did I do? I went to the drive thru Cambridge Savings Bank across the street that had a two dollar service fee for outside banking. A two dollar ‘lazy tax’ for not having to leave my car and interrupt my enjoyment of Randy Rhodes’ awesome guitar solo in ‘Mr.Crowley’? Totally worth it.
#39- Randy Rhodes’ guitar solo in ‘Mr.Crowley’. So TOTALLY worth it.
#38- Kim Kardashian’s Ass. Last year I drafted Reggie Bush pretty damn high on my fantasy football team thinking he was gonna have one of the most impressive sophmore years in recent NFL history. If I had known that 90% of his time and energy would go into plowing that awesomely gigantic ass, I would’ve let someone else take him. The fact that all her sex tapes can be downloaded on YouPorn for free only makes her ass that much better in my eyes.
#37- Meat Lover’s Pizza. Greatest pizza ever with the gayest name ever. Sausage, pepperoni, ham, hamburger, and bacon? It’s going to be years before we can figure out how to put more meat on a pizza. Some restaurants already added salami to an already kick-ass meat line up. Other possible meats for consideration: popcorn chicken, slim jims, and steak.
#36- Lone Wolf McQuade- Chuck Norris vs. David Carradine for the title of “greatest martial arts actor EVER”. Now I’m not one to spoil movies, but not only does Chuck win, he drinks 2 cases of beer in the process (awesome). With David Carradine out of the picture, Chuck was free to fight terrorism in every Chuck Norris movie that followed this one. So when you’re enjoying “Invasion U.S.A”, remember the movie that paved the way for it, because it kicked ass.
#35- That scene in “X-Men 2″ when the Xavier school was being invaded by mercenaries and Wolverine snuck up on this one bad guy and punched his claws right into his chest and screamed in his face and the guy got killed. What an awesome, awesome, awesome scene. The movie kicked ass too, but this was the scene that was most memorable in my eyes. Not only did he stab his adamantium claws into the guys chest, he screams in his face like an animal. Insult to injury in every way.
#34- Sports Illustrated. Is there any other magazine worth reading when taking a dump? Not only does it give me fantasy football AND betting advice that’s right 48% of the time, it also has an annual swimsuit issue that gets bigger every year! Hopefully they’ll focus on getting that GRRRRRAWFUL Golf section out of the magazine like they did with Rick Reilly. Yes Rick, I’m sure its hard to coach 8 year old girls basketball, BUT NO ONE GIVE’S A SHIT! (Note: Keep Rick Reilly in mind for “Worst things ever list”)
#33- Motorhead. Three guys who play dangerously loud songs that basically all sound the same. I’ve been to four Motorhead shows my entire life, and it’s largely responsible for the hearing loss I’ve endured over the years. That being said, I’m still not wearing earplugs at their upcoming show. If I am to go deaf in my lifetime, I’m going to be the coolest guy in the ear trauma ward when I sign the words “Motorhead put me in here, and it was awesome.”
#32- The 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest where Kobayashi puked live on ESPN after losing to Joey Chesnut. Probably the greatest American sports story since the Miracle on Ice, Joey Chesnut ate so many hot dogs that he made the greatest competitive eater in history vomit on cable television. Even though it was inspiring as hell, it wasn’t the first time an American took down the great Kobayashi….
#31- When Kobayashi lost a hot dog eating contest to a Giant Bear on FOX’s Man vs. Beast. If you weren’t already terrified of bears, watch this video.
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Jack Red thoughts on Batman vs. Superman
By JackRed | August 16, 2008
Hi everyone this is Jack Red and I did do two videos on the topic but I feel it’s better if I type as much as possible for you fans out there I hope someone likes my work out there I’m going to be in mixed emotions for this one so you can tell by my typing that I will either be happy doing Batman and getting pissed doing Superman who by the way is a douche bag.
Number 1: Origin
Batman is the one character you will see in either comic books or movies by DC as he really is entertaining to watch on TV I think his origin was alot better than Superman here let me explain Bruce Wayne with his parents were in the alley when a mugger comes then shoots both of his parents dead then he falls down a well to see bats coming out there from that point he got an idea to become a hero of Gotham City by becoming his fear of bats earning him the name Batman who is a very rich with a butler named Alfred that is very close to him on everything as he is his biggest supporter.
Superman never had a good game in fact after playing Superman 64 when I was a kid I never hated a game like it ever which is one reason I do hate him so much plus his origin reminds me of Goku of Dragon Ball series as both of them were put in a rocket from their home planet to Earth to later discover they have powers different from everybody and becomes an hero now I got respect for Goku he fought many villains head on as most of the time he wins but for Superman besides losing to Doomsday who else actually beaten him can you tell I’m right here I guess no body cares he is just lame if you ask me.
Number 2: Costumes and Powers
Batman is just a human being with a cool costume that is trained in all forms of material arts, has alot of gadgets to help him out and even has vehicles to get him where he needs to go with some having a program to be within range for him to get in it how cool is that.
Superman is not a human being in fact he is a Kryptonians who so happens to look like a normal person but he got his native powers such as super strength, super speed, freeze breath, heat vision, etc I’m very sorry to say this but he is a good example of a hero that only kids stupid enough will actually think are real here’s a news flash if it was real that I would be alot like Blackheart from Ghost Rider comic books.
Number 3: Having a Side Kick or Working Alone
Batman didn’t start with Robin but in later years it got even tougher for him as he needed help as the crime increase so when Robin (Dick Grayson) joined he not only made a difference he did alot for Gotham City before forced out of it to become Night Wing then he got Jason Todd to be the second Robin who actually got killed by The Joker then it’s Tim Drake as a third Robin after awhile a fourth came by the name Stephanie Brown, daughter of Cluemaster.
Superman barely needs help in defeating his enemies which has to be strong oh like the villains of Batman needds to insane come on could you do all of us a favor by letting Batman beat the ever loving crap out of you until I tell him to stop which is going to be a long time.
Number 4: Bat Girl or Super Girl
Batman had a couple of Bat Girls himself such as Betty Kane, niece of Kathy Kane AKA Batwoman then it was Barbara Gorden, daughter of Commissioner Gordon who later becomes Oracle then you got Helena Bertinelli who later became Huntress then you got Cassandra Cain who lasted long enough to make a name for her self finally Charlotte Gage-Radcliffe who later becomes Misfit.
Superman also has a couple of Super Girls such as Kara Zor-El, Matrix, Linda Danvers and Cir-El now as I notice alot of them are blondes I can to convest I love blonde womans ok it’s hard for me to avoid that it’s like sticking a needle in the arm it just hurts.
Number 5: Bat-Mite or Mister Mxyzptlk
Batman has a magic imp that is a big fan of what he does that is like saying The Joker loves being around Batman which is true by the way I do like him more than the one Superman got he was really annoying in fact if there is a way to kill him I would do it and keep Bat-Mite that’s just me people.
Superman actually got the more annoying magical imp by the fucked up name Mister MXyzptlk how the fuck are you suppose to say that do I need to write it down on paper than look at it upside-down my god this character is fucking retarded there is a limit I can take with him so moving on before he really starts getting on my nerves.
Number 6: Batzarro or Bizarro
Batman actually got the worser bizarro version of himself than Superman that is one thing I do like more on his side but that isn’t saying much it’s like playing Revenge of the Joker trying to keep a smile on my face it just isn’t easy believe me I have tried it.
Superman’s doppelganger is better how I best describe him the Superman we can give a fuck about it’s true you see the names backwards works here nice try it with Batman and Batzarro that doesn’t make any fucking sense I mean Azrael was an evil Batman that was good enough for my taste.
Number 7: Ace the Bat Hound or Kryptnos the Super Dog
Batman actually has the cooler dog we are talking about a very well trained attack dog that is loyal to his master and if anyone tries attacking him or anyone he knows he will rip the living hell out of you I’m dead serious people.
Superman’s dog was just fucking stupid why give a dog Superman’s power that’s like giving a cat too much sugar or a squirrel too much nuts what the fuck were they thinking I mean sure I never been this pissed on a topic in my life it would be different if I was doing Mario vs. Sonic but it was better to do this first knowing people sure love that grease ball.
Number 8: The Joker or Lex Luthor
Batman’s archenemy is the worst villain to run into in Gotham City and he is the complete opposite of Batman who really enjoys being around him as he is like him who is very willing to do whatever it takes to get things done however he has approve that he is much more clever than everyone thoughts at first The Mob, The Police along with Commissioner Gordon and Batman didn’t take him seriously now look at their faces you want a good example of him go see The Dark Knight or find Batman (1989) somewhere you will like both of those movies.
Superman’s archenemy is the one person to stand in Superman’s way as he is a corrupt business man that does know his enemy well yet he can’t directly fight him now that is fuck up look at Death Note Light and L didn’t fight each other either but the reason for that was if Light revealed he was Kira then he would face the death penalty so oh god why the original villain that was his archenemy was a better villain go look him up his name is Ultra-Humanite.
Number 9: TV shows
Batman actually has two good cartoon shows worth watching Batman: the Animated Series and Batman Beyond if you are a fan of Batman like me than you should check both of them out I know you won’t be disappoint trust me I am speaking the truth oh by the way the 1966-1968 TV Show is real good if you like your classic Batman like myself who don’t mind watching older stuff relating to him.
Superman had one good cartoon show called Superman: the Animated Series but that is what I do know that was good not involving each other together but what can I say I really do hate Superman in fact if I ever get the chance I will make a Top 10 Things I Fucking Hate.
Number 10: Movies
Batman has 7 movies all of which I have seen starting with Batman: the Movie release 1966 it was a spin off of the TV show it features The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler and Catwoman as the villains then you got Batman (1989) one of my favorite movies of all time this was one of two movies to be directed by the legendary Tim Burton as he gives us the fan a good movie with The Joker played by one of my favorite actors today Jack Nicholson then he comes back to direct Batman Returns this time Catwoman and The Penguin are the villlains I did feel the plot was interesting yet it doesn’t have the same feel as the original then you got Batman Forever which was almost directed by Tim Burton but we got Joel Schumacher replace him even the movie felt weaker than the previous one I still like this one as it has Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face and Jim Carrey, my idol as The Riddler then we got the worst one ever made also directed by Joel Schumacher who really mess up this time Batman and Robin we got Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane first off why does all of Mr. Freeze’s lines relate to cold or chill it’s annoying knowing you already got an idea on what he could say next as for Bane he barely talks in the movie I mean come on this is the very guy to break Batman’s back then Batman Begins a reboot to the franchise this movie was good by IGN this is the best comic book movie ever made wow why am I not surprised as we got The Scarecrow and Ra’s al Ghul with a cameo of Victor Zsasz in the movie finally here is it The Dark Knight we get The Joker which is a first for having his own voice made for the character and to be the original kind of him you see the first two movie Jokers were based on the second one they came up with that you can have on TV without a single worry but this one goes completely insane as he brings true meaning of the character to the movie plus he got Two Face to go get his revenge to end up screwing up Batman’s plans making things worse now he is smart no wonder Batman hates him so much.
Superman has 5 movies with one of which has two versions of course this isn’t counting Super Girl now I want to finish this part as fast as I can to prevent farther frustrations I have on this topic Superman was directed Richard Donner I must say he is a hell of a director he was the reason why it turn out so well then during the make of Superman II he got fired and replace by Richard Lester later fans ask the company can Richard Donner finish his version of the movie it was made according to sources this versions was better than the original version that figures then you got Superman III this farther how much Superman fallen in the movie series then Superman IV was horrible in fact I only seen a little of it not actually caring for the movie finally we got Superman Returns a reboot from what I heard it’s good but I hope it fails so we will never seen him with Batman in a movie.
Number 11: Batwoman or Superwoman
Batman got Batwoman who actually is Kathy Kane that is in love with him my question why go through danger to be with him he is a good hero for Gotham City yet they barely use her anymore it’s like the fifth turtles of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is never used again as they seem to hate her which is understandable.
Superman got Superwoman who actually was Lois Lane, the love of his life how she got his powers is very similar to how She-Hulk got hers you see both of them went to the Hospital for a blood transfusion that’s how they got their powers interesting isn’t it.
Number 12: Gotham City or Metropolis
Batman protects the people of Gotham CIty from criminals all around with The Police always taken them in it sure isn’t as easy as people think it is especially The Joker is back terroring the city once again then Batman is worry he would had to do good enough to stop him from killing people after all he among with others brings fear to them.
Superman protects the people of Metropolis from criminals and other bad guys not from Earth he always wins against them lucky he loss to Doomsday who can die from one thing and can’t the next thing why does that sound familiar oh I know in X-Men there’s a program called S.H.I.V.A. where if one robot after the list of names of the survivors of Weapon X program gets destroyed that he can’t the next time now that is bullshit come on whose fucking idea is that I mean Doomsday was an experiment of the ultimate life form.
I hope you all enjoy what I had to say and see all of you later.
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