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Champ’s Week 4 Picks, More on Girls B-Days, and HOT LESBIAN Lies
By Dan | September 28, 2007
It turns out that if you ignored all my week 3 advice you would have made a substantial amount of money. Here’s hoping week 4 is a little better.
Green Bay over Vikes. I’m liking Vikes defense, but the Packers have the second hottest offense in the NFC. Bret Farve, he’s so hot right now.
Houston over Atlanta. Houston almost pulled off my upset of the week last week, and now they’re going up against the worst team in football. Texans win it no problemo.
NYJ over Buff n’ blow. Whoever wins, we lose.
Baltimore to win it over Browns. Browns couldn’t get it done over Oaklands tough D, and they aren’t getting it done over Baltimore’s tougher D.
Dallas over St.Louis in my BET THE WHOLE FUCKIN’ HOUSE pick of the week. Dallas is for real and easily the best team in the NFC. St. Loois sucks ass.
Pit over AZ. Kurt Warner comeback? I thought he went back to bagging groceries at the Piggly Wiggly.
Whale’s Vagina over KC. Yknow, for all the advertisements of Merriman and Tomlinson DESTORYING all the teams in the NFL, they really are producing garbage this year. If they lose against KC, put a fork in them.
Indy over Denver. Derpy derpa derp dop derp.
Phily over NYG. I guess Donovan gets fired up after someone makes a comment about him being black. Weird thing is he made the comment this year. Smartest move he’s ever made.
New England over Cincy. Cincy’s goin’ up against the best team in the NFL without a running game. Your fucked Bengals.
UPSETS OF THE WEEK-
Detroit over a shitty Chicago team.
Dante to back up his Gandhi quote at his former team.
San Fransisco Silly Nannies over a lackluster Seattle team.
Tampa Bay over Carolina. Derpy derp.
Shifting gears.
I had the biggest craving for KFC the other day. Not the extra crispy, but original recipe, or as I like to call it, extra greasy. The drive thru window took 20 minutes just to get to the order box.
"I’d like 6 pieces of original recipe and a diet pepsi."
"You want the six piece family meal."
"No. Just six pieces and a Diet pepsi."
"Oh…..ok, drive up."
It took another 20 minutes to get to the food pickup window. Some guy behind me was swearing and going nuts. I didn’t care. I just wanted my chicken so bad.
If their was a fast food hall of fame, KFC original recipe would have to be one of the first inductees. I remember how happy those days were when Mom was too tired to cook dinner and she’d come home with that greasy bucket with the Colonel’s face on it. My brother and I would be so happy, we’d run to the kitchen get two pieces of chicken, eat just the skin until the unhappiness kicked in when we realized we ate the most delicious part too fast and were left with stupid chicken.
Now I know better. I save the skin for the end. Like one big greasy hug.
One time I was on my way to see a girl that I had been seeing for a while, and I was 100% sure that I was getting laid that night. I was getting erotic text messages all day and pretty much bolted out of work to get in my car. I just got on the highway when I got a call from the one person I didn’t wanna hear from at the time. My mother.
I answered it, hoping it wasn’t an emergency and I get "Are you coming home for dinner tonight, or are you going out?"
"Mum, I’m goin out. Gotta go."
"Oh. That’s too bad. I have this bucket of KFC and your father and brother won’t touch it. Oh well, have fun."
"Oh……ok….bye."
As soon as I hung up, I wasn’t thinking about sex, but was thinking "Man, Mom’s got colonel." I even contimplated turning around to get some. That’s how much I love KFC. Truly is the heroin of fast food.
So I went out for my friends birthday last Saturday to Ned Devine’s in Fanuel Hall. If your unfamiliar with Ned Devine’s, it is my own personal hell when I die. There’s one TV with ESPN on, nine dollar beers, a stupid fuckin band that has a lead singer that keeps yelling "I want everyone to jump, jump, jump, jump!" Every guy looks the same. Polo shirt, spikey hair, dockers. Wicked gay.
All the girls are wearing slutty dresses and high heels with the sole intention of teasing guys. You can tell the fanuel hall pros from the newbies, they have the sluttiest dress and flip flops because they’re walking around an area of Boston where the walkways are completely made of cobblestone and bricks. Most girls walk around outside as if their vaginas weigh 50 pounds, and I don’t mean just the girls from Somerville whose vaginas literally weigh 50 pounds.
So I’m sitting their at the bar with my hat tucked under my armpit because of the stupid no hat rule, looking at the girls I’m with dance in one big circle. Suddenly two girls who are coming late to the party join the other girls. One of them rolls their eyes and says something to the group. One of the original members of the girl circle covers her face and runs to the bathroom crying. Two other original members of the girl group run after her into the bathroom to support her as all the other girls remain with the one girl who started the problem, and that girl is continually putting out her hands, shrugging, mouthing the words "what did I do?"
I follow the support group to the bathroom. I’m hoping I can convince them to leave Ned Devive’s. One of the girls comes out of the bathroom saying "Oh my God, she’s so upset because our friend came in and said "This place sucks". Even though I agree that the bar sucks, I say "Aww, what a bitch! Let’s just go outside and get some air."
The support group leaves with me as I silently celebrate being able to put my hat back on. What happens next astounds me. The girls split into three groups. Two girls are trying to calm down the friend who made the comment. Two grils are talking about what to do next, and I’m left with the crying girl.
"I’m not a person who cries. I never do this. I just want you to know that."
"Oh, no, I totally understand. Too bad this had to happen on Anne Marie’s birthday party."
"Oh actually, It’s my birthday too. And it was her birthday yesterday" she says this while pointing to the girl who got her so upset.
"Wait. It’s ALL of your birthdays?" I now come to the relization that I’m in the middle of the perfect storm.
"Yes. And Anne Marie and I were having a great time celebrating when she comes in and says ‘This place sucks’ and I’m all like ‘Its my birthday too, quit being so selfish.’ Can I have a hug?"
She hugs me, making my shirt look like the Shroud of Turin with all the tears coming out of her.
I’m hoping that we’re just going to another bar, but the two girls decide to talk it out.
There’s a lot of times I hear "…but its my birthday too" coming from both sides while I wait with the other girls who don’t have a birthday.
"So, is it anyone’s birthday today, or were they all last week?" I ask one of the quiet girls.
"Well, two were last week and one is next week. But it actually is my grandmother’s birthday today."
"Oh, that’s nice. Did you have a fun day with your Grandmother?"
"Oh, no, she’s dead."
After coming very close to just going home and turning gay, the fighting girls say "OK guys we’ve made up" and they run back into Ned Devine’s holding hands. I’m amazed, and really have no choice but to follow them, almost like I’m breaking back into Shawshank. I hang my head and start walking up the stairs when the bouncer stops me and tells me I need to take my hat off.
Even though that’s wicked gay, it’s not as gay as this week’s….
CHAMP TELLZ YOU WHATZ WICKED GAY RIGHT NOW: Non-Lesbian Action. Turns out that the Marsha Brady/Jan Brady lesbian story was false. There is nothing like that in the book. I got all worked up for nothing. Wicked gay.
CHAMP TELLZ YOU WHATZ WICKED HOT RIGHT NOW: The Colorado Rockies. They win 11 games in a row and are extremely close to the playoffs. This is such an amazing feat that I wouldn’t be surprised if…who the fuck am I kidding I’m still thinking about KFC. I’m totally gay for KFC right now.
Oh colonel.
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