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Is another Holocaust really such a bad idea?
By Dan | March 22, 2008
Ok, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve lost it and decided to go all Anti-semetic on you. We’ve all thought about doing it, especially after seeing last year’s GAWFUL “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”
but that’s not the case in this blog. So get off the phone with that lawyer Weissburg, your off the hook. I’m talking about a new sexy spin on a holocaust, where the target is a group of people that no one will miss: The Elderly.
After going to the 99 for lunch with my brother this past Thursday, is there any wonder why I wouldn’t want to blog about a possible geriactric holocaust? Its swarming with old people. Even worse, all the old people are pissed about everything. I knew something was amiss when I sat down with my brother and the waiter says “Good afternoon gentleman, welcome to the Ninety-Nine, we have some new lunchtime specials this week. We now have soup and half-sandwich combos for 5.99 each. Today’s soup is Rip Roarin’ Crab, can I start you off with something to drink?”
“Yeah, I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
“Oooooo, is Pepsi ok?” and he gives me a look as if to say ‘Sorry you have to drink that shit’, but that’s a whole ‘nother
thaaang.
My brother and I started talking about how lame those new combos seemed, and how manly our steak tips would seem in comparison. I asked him “Who would ever want a combo like that?”
“Grandma used to like half sandwiches. Remember? We’d be kids and we’d go to the Ground Round with Grandma for our birthdays, and she’d order a cup of soup, a Ground Rounder, and a coffee. She’d always complain that the buger was too big, but it was ok because she’d just eat half then and have the other half for lunch the next day.” said my very reminiscent brother Brian Timothy Johnson (who, btw, just got new glasses. Nyahahahahahahaha…. but again, whole ‘nother thang).
That’s when I realized that the specials weren’t suddenly thought up at some Ninety-Nine corporate board meeting. It was made due to popular demand. Popular “Granny” demand.
I looked down the aisle at all the old sour-pusses and the waitresses who were going the extra mile to be sweet as pie to them.
“I just made extra sure this time that this cup of coffee is not caffineated. I’m so sorry about the last two cups. I know what you mean, I can taste the difference too.”
“I’m so sorry, was the Rip Roarin’ Crab too spicey? Can I get you some French Onion Soup or Seafood Chowder? Its very bland, and might be easier on your tongue.”
“Our dessert menu is too fancy? I’m sorry. Can I get you some plain vanilla ice cream? That might be easier on your stomach.”
Usually it was the old ladies who complained. Any old men just stared blankly across the booth with their mouth opened wide enough to catch flies, and they had sportswatches with a useless alarm feature that they couldn’t hear, but blasted for a full 20 seconds annoying everyone in the restaurant.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of these schrod eatin’, glasses wearin’, grandkid lovin’ wastes of good drugs taking my 99 parking spots with their giant cars that manage to take up two spaces. It’s time for an ultimatum.
Florida or die!!!!!
Actually…..no…..those are kind of the choices they have right now. Well you know what I mean. Go to Florida and have nature kill you, or we take care of ya! And not take care of ya in a good way, but Old Yeller take care of ya. (Note to reader: Put ‘Old Yeller’ in your Netflix que and watch it in the upsoming weeks to get the full comedic effect of that analogy)
I suggest we let all people age 65 or older choose to go to Florida or stay where they are. For all the people who choose Florida we set them up in one giant walled-in community that has a Friendly’s, a Bingo Hall, and some place that sells Lotto tickets as well as other necessities and let them live the rest of their life in peace without ever having to bother us. For the stubborn assholes who wouldn’t take our Florida idea because:
1.) It’s too hot
2.) Too many hispanics
3.) Too many teenagers with their loud music
4.) Too far away from my children who never call
5.) Alligators could eat one of my 37 cats
6.) Can’t make the adjustment from Friendly’s to Shoney’s
7.) Rudy Guliani stopped giving out free backrubs
8.) Too many hispanic teenagers with their loud hispanic music
9.) What the hell is a ‘churro’?
10.) The Dolphins suck ass.
we simply make a peace offering in the form of a free bus-trip to Mohegan Sun! They all get on the buses and unknowingly head to the Canadian Tundra.
But what then Champ?
Not my problem!
How will they get food?
Not my problem!
How will they stay warm?
Not my problem!
Can’t they just use googlemaps on their cellphones to get home?
No! The phones were gifts from their Grandkids and they don’t know how to work them!
You may hate this blog now, but deep down, I think you know I’m right.
Topics: Personal |
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