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Champzilla.com presents “What’s Wicked Hot Right Now” no. XXXI
By Dan | March 23, 2008
What’s wicked hot right now?
Sting Rays.
Recently in the news an Eagle Ray killed a woman standing on a moving boat. It didn’t use the barb it has on its tail like the ray did that finished off the Crocodile Hunter, but rather slammed into her head after it jumped out of the water. Both died on impact.
If you don’t beleive me and think that the story is simply too hilarious to have actually happned you’re wrong and you can read about it HERE
Now I have to wonder, who was unluckier in that situation? The ray, or the woman? Think about it.
Your a woman on a boat and you decide to hang out at the bow of the boat as you and your crew cruise around the ocean. All of a sudden an Eagle Ray jumps up and crushes your head. You’re one unlucky chick.
Ok, are you done imagining you’re a woman? No? Ok, I’ll wait….
…look, I’m just gonna have to continue anyways, so catch up when you’re done.
Now imagine you’re an Eagle Ray (it can be a female ray if you want, freak) and you’re swimming in the vast vast vast vast vast ocean. You just ate, and you still have a couple of hours to kill til Grey’s Anatomy, so you decide to do something you’ve never done before. Your gonna jump out of the ocean!
Remember that bachelorette party you went to where all the other lady rays dared you to jump out of the water, but you were too scared and thought you drank too many Mike’s Hard Limes. Well they’re not around now, so you do it girl. You jump out that water. Here you go, you’re gonna do it, nothing to it. Just hold your breath, jump, and before you know it you’re back in the safety of the ocean. Almost there. Swim faster, make this worth it, no chickening out now. The girls at the gym are gonna freak! You’re out! It’s amazing! You can feel the sun and the Florida air on your scales or whatever it is rays have, for the first time in your life you feel absolutely fr- BLAM! FAT CHICK FAAAAAAAAACE!!!!!!
And you’re dead now. There you go. The one time you decide to jump you pick the one spot where you’d get hit. Talk about bad luck.
But the good news is, you made the news!
The sting ray is finally being feared and getting some much needed respect. It used to be feared until people found out at their local aquariums that the name means nothing really.
“Sting Ray? I don’t like the sound of that. Will it sting me?
“No maam, they’re actually quite gentle creatures, you can pet them in our petting tank.”
“Oh good, ’cause I hate things that sting, like bees, jellyfish, ooh, im gonna pet this one right here, oh yay, it didn’t sting me! I like sting rays now.”
Laughing stock of the animal kingdom right there.
But then the Crocodile Hunter incident happened. Everyone was shocked, mostly because it wasn’t a crocodile that killed him but a once-thought-to-be-whimpy ray. Scientists didn’t understand it. It made no sense. Rays only attack if they are extremely aggitated or provoked, how could this happen?
Then they saw the footage of the Crocodile Hunter extremely aggitating and provoking the ray. Jumping in front of it, grabbing it, feeling it up, singing off key. What was the ray supposed to do? It decided to kill a tv icon and get its groove back in the process. Now thanks to that ray, and the eagle ray that kamakazied the fat girl, rays are back on top. How do I know? Just look at the Tampa Bay major league baseball team.
Tampa Bay wanted to name their team something cool, but all the cool animals were taken. The
Detroit Tigers, Arizona Diamondbacks, Florida Marlins, Cleveland Indians, Montreal Cyber-Coons (now Washington Nationals). So they got stuck with Rays, but they needed to make it sound mean, so they found a book on rays and got the meanest sounding name of the bunch.
Unfortunately the Negro Rays never took the field as massive protests broke out in the state of Florida. Since the state is largely populated with desciples from the church of Satan many citizens demanded that the name be changed to Devil Rays to honor their dark lord. After unanimous approval from Major League Baseball the Tampa Bay Devil Rays started play in the late 90’s recruiting wiley veterans such as Jose Canseco and Wade Boggs (also practicing Satanists).
Now that the real-life rays are starting to kick people’s asses, Tampa Bay decided there was no need for the Devil to be affiliated with their team since Satan is a Yankees fan anyways, so now they’re known simply as the Tampa Bay Rays, and they’re setting their eyes on a 2008 fourth place banner to be raised in the new ballpark they’re building, so look out Baltimore!
And that’s why Rays are wicked hot right now.
(Note to the reader: There is a patent pending on my Tampa Bay Devil Rays origin story since I plan to have it made into a children’s book, so don’t even think about stealing it.)
Topics: Sports, TV, wicked hot |
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