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Champzilla’s Balls Across America: In Defense of the Peanut Guy at Fenway
By Dan | May 17, 2008
Have you ever gone to a ballgame and tried to figure out where the vendors fit on the “vendor totem pole”? I’m pretty sure that the most skilled vendors are on Hot Dog duty. They have to lug around the heaviest load and it seems to yield the most tips. Kettle Corn seems to be at the very bottom. The vendor is always some pimply faced kid who seems to be embarassed by the fact that he’s selling kettle corn. He know’s no one’s gonna buy it, and even if they did, kettle corn eaters probably don’t tip.
The Peanut vendor has to be right below hot dogs on the food vendor chain-of-command. He doesn’t have to lug around something as heavy as a metal vat of hot dogs, but he does have to be very accurate when throwing the peanuts. It takes skill to be able to land the bag in the hands of the customer and not the unexpecting senior citizen who is watching the ballgame while simulateously keeping score the old-fashioned way.
I always wondered if there is a test peanut vendors have to pass in order to sell the product, maybe practice on dummies or something. I also wondered how long of a distance are they allowed to throw? It seems like they have to be vending in the section in which the customer is seated, but is there a limit to how many rows they can throw past? Is there a correlation between the distance of the throw and the amount of their tip?
Because I’m so fascinated by the art of peanut vending, I always try to challenge the vendor, like holding a beer in one hand and streching my other arm out really far so he’d be forced to hit the extended hand, which leaves very little room for error. He always answers my challenges, but I also know that if I drop the bag after he throws me a perfect pass I look like a fool, thus humiliating myself in front of everyone in the ballpark (which has never happened by the way). I’ve found that its not very hard to catch the bag since its very large and bulky and have come to the conclusion that to drop the bag I would have to be very drunk.
I went to the Sox game today and a woman in front of me ordered peanuts from the peanut vendor who was only 2 rows away. The vendor chose to lob an underhand pass to her. I assume he did this because he accounted for the short distance and that she was obviously drunk. The girl squeamishly held up her hands in front of her face, not really commiting to catching her peanuts at all, almost looking like she was scared of the bag. At the risk of sounding sexist, it was a very ‘girly’ way of preparing to catch a bag of peanuts.
The vendor aimed right for her hands, and guess what, he hit them. Did she catch the bag? No, because she’s an annoying little princess who can’t catch. The bag bumped her hands and flew over her head. Now, this shouldn’t be a big deal, but her boyfriend and an annoying Andrew Dice Clay wannabe started giving the vendor shit.
“Hey, pal, not for nuthin kid, but you gotta work on your throw, yknow what im sayin? Work on that throw kid.”
“Yeah man, you ain’t gonna get too many tips if you throw like that. OH!“
The girl who should be the one being embarassed gets this look of total validation on her face as if to say ‘Yeah, thats right. It was the peanut guy’s fault. He threw it bad. I’m perfect. Julio Lugo tries hard, we should support him more.’ (wicked gay) I looked at the now shamed peanut guy and said “Hey. I thought it was a perfect pitch.” He didn’t say anything back, or even acknowledge me for that matter, but I think he knew that I was on his side.
A couple of innings later the guy next to me asked for peanuts. The same vendor was there, 8 rows down this time. He tossed them up, classic overhand with a slight arc this time, and if the guy hadn’t stood up just in time and reached waaaaay above his head, the pass would have missed. At first I said to myself ‘Shit. Maybe the peanut guy does suck.” But then I remembered what the job of the peanut guy is. He’s there for guys like me, who will never play professional baseball, but want the thrill of making that amazing catch. He challenges us, so we too can experience the thrill of wowing the Fenway faithful with an amazing peanut bag grab. Even the guy who caught the real tricky bag got a lot of praise from the surrounding fans.
So remember. If you drop the bag of peanuts, don’t do the classless thing and blame the peanut guy for giving you a bad throw. Instead thank him for making your ballpark experience that much more exciting, and then punch yourself in the balls for being such a puss. The pain will remind you never to drop the bag again.
Topics: Balls Across America, Food, Sports |
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