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An Open Entry for Mr. Coco Crisp
By TheSexauer | June 28, 2008
Starting this evening (Saturday, June 28), Coco Crisp, center fielder for the Boston Red Sox, begins serving his 5-game suspension. He is serving such punishment for his role in the June 5 bench clearing brawl during a home game against the Tampa Bay Rays. According to MLB rules, a suspended player may take part in pregame practice with the team but once the game begins, said player must vacate the premises for the duration of the game. What the player does at that time is up to the player himself.
So I compose this blog entry with the assumption that Coco Crisp is alone in his hotel room, Googling himself. When he does, and this post inevitably comes up on the list of websites with his name on them, he will be able to benefit from what I have to offer.
Mr. Crisp, if you are reading this, here are a few options that you may enjoy considering while you serve out your suspension in Tampa Bay:
1. Watch the game from the stands.
First of all, this would be an unprecedented move. No one would suspect to see you AT the game, let alone sitting in the bleachers, drinking a beer and flagging down the hot dog guy. If you choose this option, beware! Tampa Bay fans are experiencing a heightened sense of baseball euphoria. Since the team’s inception in 1998 they have never enjoyed a season record over .500. But now, more than halfway into the season, they are enjoying a 17-game over .500 second place position. And you’re the guy that picked a fight with them. I suggest sitting in the stands wearing Groucho Marx glasses, with the nose and moustache, just in case.
2. Go to a local St. Petersburg bar…
…and get wicked drunk. For this, I highly highly recommend Ferg’s Sports Bar, just across the street from Tropicana Field. While you’re there, remind everyone as loud as you can that Dan Marino has 3 less Super Bowl rings than Tom Brady’s 3 Super Bowl rings. And while you’re at it, please grab your crotch and tell everyone exactly how I feel about Mercury Morris (note: I do not care for Mercury Morris.)
Yes, I know that people in that region may not actually be Dolphin fans but Buccaneers fans, but as I say, “when in Rome…”
3. On the way out of the stadium to serve the suspension, go through Sean Casey’s wallet.
Take his Master Card. Go back to the hotel room and order the nudey channels. When you guys check out Thursday morning, it will be a hoot. Trust me.
4. Take in St. Petersburg’s local culture attractions.
- The Salvador Dali Museum (yep, the kooky moustache guy)
- The Florida International Museum (currently showing: highlights of Vatican art)
- The State Theater (Christian METALCORE band Demon Hunter performing)
- The Friendship Trail Bridge (a bridge)
While you’re at any of these places, please remember to grab your crotch and tell everyone exactly how I feel about Mercury Morris (see #2).
5. Go back to your hotel room and Google yourself.
You just might like what you find.
So there you have it, Mr. Crisp. enjoy your stay in St. Petersburg. And if all else fails, remember - there is a ball game on TV.
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