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Where’s the Beef?
By Dan | June 29, 2008
Remember when McDonalds used to have balls? I don’t mean the balls in the PlayPlace areas, but the balls to deliver what gluttons wanted:
Arch Deluxe
McRib
Supersized Fries
Supersized Coke
The “Add-Bacon” Sandwich Option
Ever since “Super-Size-Me” came out, McDonalds has turned into a shell of its former self, and I for one am sick of it.
I got up this morning and started watching Phantom Gourmet. For those of you who haven’t seen the show it’s basically one full hour of photos of food. There may be some talking, but I never pay attention, I’m hypnotized by the food like a baby is to Teletubbies.
On this particular episode the “Phantom” was going to do his “Top of the Food Chain” special for fast food burgers, a segment where he taste tests and ranks the three most popular burgers in fast food: The Big Mac (McDonalds), the Whopper (Burger King), and the Classic Double (Wendy’s). I was extremely interested in how this would turn out. I even decided that I would buy the burger that Phatom picked and eat it for lunch. Would he pick the Big Mac or Classic Double? I simply assumed the Whopper would finish last, there’s no way that gross thing could compete.
I assumed wrong.
The Phantom picked the Whopper because its burger fit the bun perfectly, and the patty was flame broiled. The Big Mac which has been my champion for so long finished dead last.
Enraged, I turned off the TV, got my car keys and ran out to my car. I wasn’t about to let that BULLSHIT television segment sour me on the Big Mac.
I pull in and quickly get my #1 with a large Diet Coke (watching my figure), pull into the McDonalds parking lot and begin to chow down. As my taste buds welcomed back the familiar flavor of russian dressing on shredded lettuce mixed with peppered hamburger and seseme seed bun, I couldn’t help but think that Phantom was right about something.
The Big Mac isn’t really ’big’ at all.
A triple bun does make it seem larger than the average burger, but it contains the same amount of beef as the double cheeseburger on the dollar menu. That hardly seems fair. This is the Big Mac people, America’s most recognizable representative on the global fast food market. Those buns should be packed with meat (nyahahaha).
As always, it looked like it was up to me to solve America’s problems. Number one problem at the moment? How to make the Big Mac bigger
As luck would have it I had an extra pair of my ‘thinking pants’ in the backseat of my car (extra roomy and more pockets– for thinking). As soon as I had zipped them up, the idea hit me. The Mega Mac! It would be a Big Mac, but instead of regular beef patties, they use Quarter Pound patties! GENIUS!!!!!
Unfortunately after doing some research on Wikipedia it turns out that there already was a Mega Mac. It featured 4 regular beef patties and is currently sold in the nations of Ireland and Japan and even some parts of the U.S. under the name ‘Double Big Mac’.
The Quarter Pound Patty Big Mac was also done before. In honor of Alaska’s Mount McKinley, McDonalds made the ‘McKinley Mac’ made exclusively for the state of Alaska.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll still eat at McDonalds, but unless I start getting something back in this relationship, I’m gonna have to pledge my allegiance to Wendy’s. Gluttonous burgers made exclusively for Alaska? What’s next? Double McRib in Wyoming? Triple Arch Deluxe in the Mojave Desert?
You should be ashamed of yourself Ronald McDonald.
Take him away boys.
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