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What’s Wicked Gay Right Now no. XXX: Childbirth
By Dan | July 22, 2008
I just learned a couple of months ago that my best friend is having a baby.
I just learned a couple of weeks ago that one of my coworkers is having a baby.
I was really excited when I heard the news from both of them, but for my own selfish reasons. After hearing that both babies would be born around the same time I started thinking “Wow, if I can get these couples together after the babies are born my dream may become a reality– Illegal Baby Races.”
Baby racing would make a party 10 times better, and it’s not like its hurting the babies. If anything it’s putting them on the right track to a career in Nascar, IndyCar, Formula 1, Nascar Craftsman Truck Series, or USHRA MONSTER JAAAAAAM!
“Race for mommy’s love.”
The problem with baby racing is that most mother’s probably won’t want their little bundle-of-joy to participate because they don’t want to lose the little guy in a baby-on-baby collision, 10 baby pile-up, or the dreaded diaper fire.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Well if an owner in Nascar loses a car to a wreck, they just make a new car. What’s the big deal?”
The big deal is women want to avoid childbirth as much as possible, because apprently it’s just so garshdarn painful. Every guy has heard it before from a woman: “No pain that a man has ever endured can compare to childbirth.” And our response is usually: “….well….have you ever been kicked in the nuts really hard? That hurts.”
We can’t really use that because women don’t have nuts. That response, no matter how good of a point it has to make, is lost on them.
Here’s a list of things that most men have endured at one point or another that may be as bad, if not worse, than childbirth:
5.) Stubbing your pinky toe on the corner of your coffee table- This pain is so irritating it makes most men mad to a point where they actually think it’s the coffee table’s fault (ie– “What the fuck’s this coffee table doing all the way over here?”)
4.) Drinking a Coke so fast that you get a seering gas bubble lodged in your esophogas- You wanna burp, but dammit you just can’t.
3.) Getting a paper cut, then forgetting about the papercut, and eating ’salt and vinegar’ potato chips with the papercut- Salt + Vinegar + Papercut = Yee-owwwch! (Chip itself is still delicious, don’t let the experience ruin it for you)
2.) Remembering your most painful sports memory- I know the Red Sox won the World Series a year later, but 2003 ALCS still makes me want to cry.
1.) Eating a Dorito and getting one of the triangle corners lodged in your gums- Besides getting kicked in the nuts, this has to be the worst pain a man can endure. Worse than breaking a bone, tearing a muscle, or a third degree burn. If it happens to you and you happen to be holding a gun at the time, you may be severely tempted to just put yourself out of your misery. The dorito-to-the-gum is 100 times worse than childbirth, which for the record, is what’s wicked gay right now.
So stop complaining ladies.
Topics: Dan, what's gay, wicked gay |