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The 50 Greatest Things Ever (#40-31)
By Dan | August 16, 2008
#40- Drive Thru Anything. Not only is drive-thru the best way to get food, but now drive thru’s are used for pharmaceutical needs, banking, and– for most states south of the Mason Dixon Line– alcohol, firearms, and wedding chapels. The other day I had to go get money from my bank account at Bank of America. Unfortunately, the nearest Bank of America to my house does not have a drive thru ATM. So what did I do? I went to the drive thru Cambridge Savings Bank across the street that had a two dollar service fee for outside banking. A two dollar ‘lazy tax’ for not having to leave my car and interrupt my enjoyment of Randy Rhodes’ awesome guitar solo in ‘Mr.Crowley’? Totally worth it.
#39- Randy Rhodes’ guitar solo in ‘Mr.Crowley’. So TOTALLY worth it.
#38- Kim Kardashian’s Ass. Last year I drafted Reggie Bush pretty damn high on my fantasy football team thinking he was gonna have one of the most impressive sophmore years in recent NFL history. If I had known that 90% of his time and energy would go into plowing that awesomely gigantic ass, I would’ve let someone else take him. The fact that all her sex tapes can be downloaded on YouPorn for free only makes her ass that much better in my eyes.
#37- Meat Lover’s Pizza. Greatest pizza ever with the gayest name ever. Sausage, pepperoni, ham, hamburger, and bacon? It’s going to be years before we can figure out how to put more meat on a pizza. Some restaurants already added salami to an already kick-ass meat line up. Other possible meats for consideration: popcorn chicken, slim jims, and steak.
#36- Lone Wolf McQuade- Chuck Norris vs. David Carradine for the title of “greatest martial arts actor EVER”. Now I’m not one to spoil movies, but not only does Chuck win, he drinks 2 cases of beer in the process (awesome). With David Carradine out of the picture, Chuck was free to fight terrorism in every Chuck Norris movie that followed this one. So when you’re enjoying “Invasion U.S.A”, remember the movie that paved the way for it, because it kicked ass.
#35- That scene in “X-Men 2″ when the Xavier school was being invaded by mercenaries and Wolverine snuck up on this one bad guy and punched his claws right into his chest and screamed in his face and the guy got killed. What an awesome, awesome, awesome scene. The movie kicked ass too, but this was the scene that was most memorable in my eyes. Not only did he stab his adamantium claws into the guys chest, he screams in his face like an animal. Insult to injury in every way.
#34- Sports Illustrated. Is there any other magazine worth reading when taking a dump? Not only does it give me fantasy football AND betting advice that’s right 48% of the time, it also has an annual swimsuit issue that gets bigger every year! Hopefully they’ll focus on getting that GRRRRRAWFUL Golf section out of the magazine like they did with Rick Reilly. Yes Rick, I’m sure its hard to coach 8 year old girls basketball, BUT NO ONE GIVE’S A SHIT! (Note: Keep Rick Reilly in mind for “Worst things ever list”)
#33- Motorhead. Three guys who play dangerously loud songs that basically all sound the same. I’ve been to four Motorhead shows my entire life, and it’s largely responsible for the hearing loss I’ve endured over the years. That being said, I’m still not wearing earplugs at their upcoming show. If I am to go deaf in my lifetime, I’m going to be the coolest guy in the ear trauma ward when I sign the words “Motorhead put me in here, and it was awesome.”
#32- The 2007 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest where Kobayashi puked live on ESPN after losing to Joey Chesnut. Probably the greatest American sports story since the Miracle on Ice, Joey Chesnut ate so many hot dogs that he made the greatest competitive eater in history vomit on cable television. Even though it was inspiring as hell, it wasn’t the first time an American took down the great Kobayashi….
#31- When Kobayashi lost a hot dog eating contest to a Giant Bear on FOX’s Man vs. Beast. If you weren’t already terrified of bears, watch this video.
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