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Classic Champzilla (from 2006)
By Dan | May 2, 2009
I got a spam comment from my old LiveJournal page, and it was on this post. The comment was about some stupid spyware thing, but it gave me the oppurtunity to revisit this early gem. ‘Dead Israeli atheletes’? What was I thinking?
I’m sorry buddy.
I always thought in my head and in my heart that I would be the first to go and not you.
I’ll never forget this day as long as I live. This is without a doubt one of the darkest days of my life.
I got up at 9:30 am, since I’m currently unemployed. I decided that I would take an extra long drive out to Arby’s in Worcester so I could listen to Howard Stern at 10am, eat some delicious fast food, and come home in time for work. I never thought that on that drive I would learn of your demise.
I pulled into Arby’s drive-thru at 11:30. I ususally look at the menu before hand to see all the wonderful sandwiches I can get, but its pointless for me to do so. I know the one I want.
In a matter of seconds I hear the Arby’s lady say “May I help you?”
“Yes, I would like a Big Montana combo.”
“I’m sorry sir, we don’t carry the Big Montana anymore.”
My heart sank. This can’t be happening again. You bastards. You took the Arch Deluxe. You took the Hickory Bacon Cheddar Triple Cheesburger. You even taunt us with McRib, only to take it away without warning over and over again. But good GOD not this. Not this way.
“Um, are you going to have it back, like……by noon or something. I’ll wait.”
“No, I’m sorry sir, it was discontinued.”
That was it. I began to think of life without it. I won’t be able to get an erection for at least a month, no matter how many dead Israeli olympic athletes I think of.
The Arby’s lady tried in vain to console me. “Sir…..sir….? We have a new ‘Large’ Roast Beef sandwich. I can give you that with a combo.”
“Huh? Oh…..yeah…..yeah, sure.”
“You want regular fries, or curly?”
“(sniff)….curly.”
“You want a coke with it?”
“…..um….(sob) (choke) um…..diet coke….”
“Sure….will that be all?”
“….could I…..(sniff)…..could I get an…..an extra large roast beef sandwich with my combo?”
“Of course, anything you want? Please drive around…..everything’s gonna be OK.”
So I park in the parking lot, take out my sandwiches, look at them and begin crying. Why couldn’t God dicontinue me instead?
I eat the large roast beef sandwich.
Same size as Big Montana.
Tastes the same.
But no GIGANTIC plastic container. And its no longer named after the Fourth largest state (in terms of area). This blows.
I remeber when I was a kid, I used to get a regular roast beef sandcwich. Then when I got a little older, two regular roast beefs. Then they came out with “Giant Roast Beef” and I’d get that. Then came Big Montana. I had just turned 13, and it was if Arby’s was telling me “Welcome to manhood.” It was like my own non-jewy Bar-Mitzvah. It was a Roast-Beef-mitzvah if you will. Then came the day I did the impossible. I went to Arby’s after getting Triple H’s autograph at the Worcester Centrum. Two Big Montanas. Yeah, I did it. It was awesome. Now I’ll never be able to do it again.
It seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind.
Big Montana
1996-2006
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