Man-Crush of the Week- April 14, 2008
By Dan | April 14, 2008
Question: Is it still ok to be gay for Manny Ramirez?
Answer: Yes.
This guy is on fire this season, and he’s solidifying his place in history as one of the top ten Sox players ever. EVER! There’s no arguing this one ladies (racists), Manny’s a machine, and the Champzilla.com Man-Crush of the Week. So guys, if you haven’t done so already, cut out a red contruction paper heart and glue your favorite Manny photo on there and look at it affectionately before you go to bed, because when a guy hits a home run with 2 rbis and does it in the ninth inning to WIN THE GAME it’s A-Ok to go gay for him.
Guys you can also go gay for this week are:
Tim Thomas, Goalie for the Boston Bruins– had the game of his career on Sunday as he looked outstanding in an overtime win against Montreal.
Steve Carell, lead actor on NBC’s The Office– was last Thurday’s episode one of the funniest episodes in television history? Brilliant, brilliant stuff.
Chris Paul, point guard for the New Orleans Hornets– Sorry KG. I want you focusing on winning #17, because Chris Paul is Champzilla.com’s pick for MVP.
Alexander Ovechkin, left winger for the Washington Capitals– Yeah, I’m still gay for you just because of game 1 and just the simple fact that you got your team in the playoffs, but you need to step it up in game 3, because the game 2 performance almost got you kicked off my man-crush list.
Manny Delcarmen, relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox– My second favorite Manny just keeps getting better and better. Look out guys, if we keep on getting gay for these guys as the season progresses we might be asking for a ’Manny Sandwich’ (Manny being Pastrami?)
Mike Timlin, relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox– Timlin gets a win against the Indians? Yes. That’s happening. Heck, why not just get all the Red Sox pitchers on this Man-Crush list! We should all be gay for these guys right now (ewww, not you Lester).
Topics: Man Crush, Sports, TV | No Comments »
Champzilla’s Balls Across America: Globalization of Baseball
By Dan | April 14, 2008
If you look at Bud Selig’s agenda for the future of Major League Baseball, “Globalization” is right near the top. I’m sure it doesn’t seem like it since the Red Sox/Athletics Japan Trip almost didn’t happen since baseball was too cheap to pay coaches to travel across the planet, but the good intentions are there. How do we get other countries excited about this boring boring boring boooooooring game?
World Baseball Classic? Ok, not a bad idea. I have to admit, after hearing the 2006 Dominican National Team roster I began cursing my Irish blood and wishing I was Domincan. Pedro Martinez, David Ortiz AND Bartolo Colon on one team???? Ay Carumba!!! (Note: None of these players sucked ass in 2006, so yes, it was a big deal.) The World Baseball Classic actually worked on many levels. It got many different countries excited to compete on a global stage, even if it was the inaugural tournament. It also introduced us to many great foreign players, most notably Daisuke Matsuzaka. The problem I had with the WBC was the formation of an ITALIAN National Team.
Seriously? We couldn’t find one more country that gives a shit about baseball?
The Italian team was a joke. Basically they found 7 guys in Italy who could play baseball. To make a 30 man roster they had 23 American players with Italian last names fill out the rest of the roster (Mike Piazza played for a chicken parm sub). So guys like Lenny DiNardo, who wouldn’t have come CLOSE to pitching for the U.S. team found himself playing for Italian pride. By that logic Ricky Henderson should have captained a Swedish national team because his last name sounds like it could be Swedish. It just didn’t make sense to me, and the team didn’t go anywhere.
The last city to truly make its mark in the globalization of baseball was the city of Montreal. A city that many people view as a laughing stock in baseball for not supporting their ballclub in the final years of its existence, and never fielding a memorable team. Surprisingly baseball in Montreal was extremely revolutionary and is now all but forgotten.
Baseball in Montreal started with the minor leagues with a team called the Montreal Royals who played triple A ball as an affiliate of the then Brooklyn Dodgers and played ball in the 30’s 40’s and 50’s. The Royals were the team where men like Jackie Robinson began to break baseball’s color barrier and Roberto Clemente opened the doors for today’s current crop of latino and carribean players. When the Dodgers dropped their affiliation with Montreal in 1960, baseball seemed to be done in the city.
After some very hard work from Montreal government officials, Montreal was awarded a major league baseball franchise seven years after the Royals played their last game. The franchise would be the first Major League Baseball franchise awarded to a city outside of the United States, even inspring a second foreign team to be added a decade later, that franchise being the still active Toronto Blue Jays.
The Montreal Expos also had the distinction of having games broadcast in French. It may not seem like a big deal now, but in a time where the MLB is struggling to globalize- the organization should take note of what a monumental task it was to translate baseball terminology into a language that didn’t have an existing French Language translation (Le’ Sac Fly???).
Unfortunately, what could have been a very succesful franchise started to crumble after an amazing run of bad luck. During the Expos’ best season the season gets cut short due to a strike. Poor ownership and shady dealings lead to the loss of whatever fanbase the team had left, and talks of relocation or the disbanding of the franchise became almost an annual discussion on ESPN and Sports Illustrated, but the Expos kept hanging in there.
Towards the end of the Expos time in MLB the team played over 20 regular season home games in San Juan Puerto Rico, a descision made by Major League Baseball. Puerto Rico cheered the Expos as if they were in fact their ‘home team’, and the team seemed like a perfect fit in San Juan as many of the Expo players at the time were of Puerto Rican or latino origin. Unfortunately Puerto Rico could not be a permanent home for the Expos, and eventually the team relocated to Washington forming the Washington Nationals franchise.
As the team began to create a new fanbase in Washington all of the retired numbers in the Expos organization became returned or “un-retired” when the team relocated, thus making the team known as the Montreal Expos a memory or a ghost of baseball past.
The only place that still honors the achievements of the Expos and hasn’t forgotten the teams of the past is the very city many baseball fans feel abandoned the franchise: The city of Montreal. The Montreal Canadiens of the NHL are as popular in the city as the Red Sox of the MLB are popular in Boston. They have a rich history, many Stanley Cup Championships, and many retired numbers. You can imagine that the Bell Centre’s rafters have a great deal of banners hanging from them. In the sea of banners you will find a lone powdered blue banner holding the four retired numbers of the Expos in memory of Montreal’s former team.
When you’re cheering that new foreign guy on your team that gained recognition in the World Baseball Classic, or you’re eating bacon and eggs while watching a sox game being broadcast at 6am from the other side of the world, think of the Montreal Expos– a team that was ahead of its time when it came to the globalization of baseball, a trend that is all too popular now. Its my hope that Bud Selig and Major League Baseball remember this team too as they still seem to continue to struggle in globalizing their organization.
Topics: Balls Across America, Sports | 1 Comment »
New Advice Column!
By Dan | April 12, 2008
The first of the new features on Champzilla.com is ready, and now you can get free advice for any problem right here! Email your questions and/or problems to sarah@champzilla.com and check back at the website real soon for a response.
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Application to be Champ’s New Black Friend
By Dan | April 7, 2008
It’s hard to beleive, as beloved as I am in the african-american community, I’ve yet to have a black friend enter my circle. Well it’s time for a change. If you’re black and somehow managed to find this site, why not apply for the position of my new black friend? (Note: Each question is designed with an answer that will weed out white people trying to ruin the application process. So don’t even try honkies!)
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Champzilla.com needs writers!!!!
By Dan | April 6, 2008
Yeah, I know, I haven’t posted in forever, but hang in there.
If you, or anyone you know has an idea for a comedy blog about anything send it to dan@champzilla.com
WE NEED MORE CONTENT!!!!!!!!
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Champzilla.com presents “What’s Wicked Hot Right Now” no. XXXI
By Dan | March 23, 2008
What’s wicked hot right now?
Sting Rays.
Recently in the news an Eagle Ray killed a woman standing on a moving boat. It didn’t use the barb it has on its tail like the ray did that finished off the Crocodile Hunter, but rather slammed into her head after it jumped out of the water. Both died on impact.
If you don’t beleive me and think that the story is simply too hilarious to have actually happned you’re wrong and you can read about it HERE
Now I have to wonder, who was unluckier in that situation? The ray, or the woman? Think about it.
Your a woman on a boat and you decide to hang out at the bow of the boat as you and your crew cruise around the ocean. All of a sudden an Eagle Ray jumps up and crushes your head. You’re one unlucky chick.
Ok, are you done imagining you’re a woman? No? Ok, I’ll wait….
Topics: Sports, TV, wicked hot | No Comments »
Bulletpointed Movie Review: Doomsday
By Dan | March 22, 2008
Doomsday stars:
-A hot chick with one real eye and one “robot” eye
-An insane shirtless guy with a mohawk who appears to be the leader of other shirtless guys with equally crazy hair
-A Black guy
-A dweeby hot girl that’s not as hot as the main star
-The Irish guy from the Departed who got shot after killing Martin Sheen. You know, the guy who was on the couch with a bullet in his belly talking to Leo Decaprio, but you really can’t understand him because it sounds like he’s talking with a shitload of marbles in his mouth.
-The guy from Roger Rabbit (not Roger Rabbit).
-Sir Malcom MacDowell
Doomsay received an “R” rating for:
- excessive cannibalism
- hilarious decapitations
- needless killing of an adorable bunny (seriously)
- a scene in the first five minutes where a chick is in a bathtub and you can see her tits
- gratuitous use of the word “bollocks”
The plot:
-the same plot from 28 Days Later, just with no zombies
The good:
-The chick in the tub
-Guys getting their heads blown off
-Needless killing of an adorable bunny
-Final desert car chase scene
The bad:
-No nudity from the lead actress
-I don’t think there are deserts in the United Kingdom (could be wrong though)
-The cannibalism scene was set to Fine Young Cannibals music, which made it very hard to sit through
Final Grade: B+
Topics: Movies | No Comments »
Is another Holocaust really such a bad idea?
By Dan | March 22, 2008
Ok, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve lost it and decided to go all Anti-semetic on you. We’ve all thought about doing it, especially after seeing last year’s GAWFUL “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”
but that’s not the case in this blog. So get off the phone with that lawyer Weissburg, your off the hook. I’m talking about a new sexy spin on a holocaust, where the target is a group of people that no one will miss: The Elderly.
After going to the 99 for lunch with my brother this past Thursday, is there any wonder why I wouldn’t want to blog about a possible geriactric holocaust? Its swarming with old people. Even worse, all the old people are pissed about everything. I knew something was amiss when I sat down with my brother and the waiter says “Good afternoon gentleman, welcome to the Ninety-Nine, we have some new lunchtime specials this week. We now have soup and half-sandwich combos for 5.99 each. Today’s soup is Rip Roarin’ Crab, can I start you off with something to drink?”
“Yeah, I’ll have a Diet Coke.”
Topics: Personal | No Comments »
champzilla v.2.0, celtics, red sox, st.patricks day at the nick
By Dan | March 19, 2008
I never thought champzilla.com would ever be up and running again, but here it is. Basically its a work in progress, but hopefully it’ll be easier to get more uniqe content on this site, and maybe get other bloggers to supply content too (Champ’s only one man).
So how’s this different from my livejournals? Well, its not. Its just more organized, and the new setup will make it much easier for me to write and provide you with stupid shit that no one could possibly use in real life.
So first things first. Let’s rip off phantom gourmet…
Topics: Drinking, Food, Man Crush, Products, Sports | No Comments »
Movies, Dropkick Murphy’s, St. Patrick’s Day Dinner, Wendy’s
By Dan | March 19, 2008
Saw two movies over the weekend. One was bad, and one was wicked bad. I mean GAWFUL!
Let’s start out with the bad movie. The Night Listener. I downloaded this on my video ipod, and watched it last night. Robin Williams puts on his serious pants again and puts in a pretty good performance. He’s a gay guy going thorugh a gay break-up with his gay ex-boyfriend and he starts having a gay phone conversation with a gay brother of Macauley Culkin (gay). Turns out that the kid doesn’t exist and the voice is really that of his supposed care-taker, who’d a blind woman, who may not actually be blind but faking it so people will love her or some shit like that. Obviously by the review I had no clue what the fuck was going on, which is becoming the case more and more often with each "serious" flick Robin Williams does. Insomnia? I get it, he’s a psycho. One Hour Photo? I think I get it, he’s a psycho who works at Wal-mart. Final Cut? Um, I guess he’s kind of psycho, or maybe not, but he’s in the future, I’m sure of that.
Just stick to family films Robin.
Topics: Food, Movies, Personal | No Comments »