CHAMPZILLA.COM BREAKING NEWS: Champzilla.com Hires Jack Red!!!!
By Dan | July 27, 2008
No, that headline isn’t a joke folks. We’ve got him.
It’s not every day that an aquisition of this magnitude comes to fruition, but the ‘Champzilla.com New Talent Initiative: The Search for New Talent (TM)’ has yielded the most coveted prospect in the entire blogging universe.
Jack Red, mostly known for his scathing video blogs in which he serves up unbridled criticisms of the latest video games and movies, has agreed to bring his unique style and unparalleled wit to our humble website.
You can get a taste of what’s to come by checking out Jack Red’s DEFINITIVE list of the greatest movies ever made here.
We at champzilla.com would like to welcome Jack Red to the winning team and ask our loyal readers to keep coming back to visit, because the first installment of Jack Red’s Reviews is going to be published on the site Tuesday, July 29!
Topics: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
What’s Wicked Gay Right Now no. XXX: Childbirth
By Dan | July 22, 2008
I just learned a couple of months ago that my best friend is having a baby.
I just learned a couple of weeks ago that one of my coworkers is having a baby.
I was really excited when I heard the news from both of them, but for my own selfish reasons. After hearing that both babies would be born around the same time I started thinking “Wow, if I can get these couples together after the babies are born my dream may become a reality– Illegal Baby Races.”
Baby racing would make a party 10 times better, and it’s not like its hurting the babies. If anything it’s putting them on the right track to a career in Nascar, IndyCar, Formula 1, Nascar Craftsman Truck Series, or USHRA MONSTER JAAAAAAM!
“Race for mommy’s love.”
The problem with baby racing is that most mother’s probably won’t want their little bundle-of-joy to participate because they don’t want to lose the little guy in a baby-on-baby collision, 10 baby pile-up, or the dreaded diaper fire.
I know what you’re thinking.
“Well if an owner in Nascar loses a car to a wreck, they just make a new car. What’s the big deal?”
The big deal is women want to avoid childbirth as much as possible, because apprently it’s just so garshdarn painful. Every guy has heard it before from a woman: “No pain that a man has ever endured can compare to childbirth.” And our response is usually: “….well….have you ever been kicked in the nuts really hard? That hurts.”
We can’t really use that because women don’t have nuts. That response, no matter how good of a point it has to make, is lost on them.
Here’s a list of things that most men have endured at one point or another that may be as bad, if not worse, than childbirth:
5.) Stubbing your pinky toe on the corner of your coffee table- This pain is so irritating it makes most men mad to a point where they actually think it’s the coffee table’s fault (ie– “What the fuck’s this coffee table doing all the way over here?”)
4.) Drinking a Coke so fast that you get a seering gas bubble lodged in your esophogas- You wanna burp, but dammit you just can’t.
3.) Getting a paper cut, then forgetting about the papercut, and eating ’salt and vinegar’ potato chips with the papercut- Salt + Vinegar + Papercut = Yee-owwwch! (Chip itself is still delicious, don’t let the experience ruin it for you)
2.) Remembering your most painful sports memory- I know the Red Sox won the World Series a year later, but 2003 ALCS still makes me want to cry.
1.) Eating a Dorito and getting one of the triangle corners lodged in your gums- Besides getting kicked in the nuts, this has to be the worst pain a man can endure. Worse than breaking a bone, tearing a muscle, or a third degree burn. If it happens to you and you happen to be holding a gun at the time, you may be severely tempted to just put yourself out of your misery. The dorito-to-the-gum is 100 times worse than childbirth, which for the record, is what’s wicked gay right now.
So stop complaining ladies.
Topics: Dan, what's gay, wicked gay | No Comments »
What’s Wicked Hot Right Now no.XXXII– Ghost Ride Your Whip!
By Dan | July 1, 2008
Ghost Ride Your Whip! It’s what’s wicked HOT right now.
For those of you who aren’t as familiar with the language of the streets as me, your “whip” is slang for “your vehicle”, and ‘Ghost Riding’ is the art of putting your vehicle in drive while you and your friends exit and dance along side it (preferably to the song ‘Ghost Ride the Whip’), giving the illusion that a ghost is driving the car.
Thanks to the magic of youtube, America’s youth is not only enjoying this latest craze, but also video taping their ‘ghost-rides’ with hilarious results.
In this video, a young man is attempting to ghost ride his pick-up truck at a MORONIC speed when the car suddenly hits a curb catapulting aforementioned young man to the ground and slamming into a tree thus ending what surely has to be the worst ‘ghost ride’ in recorded history.
Another great ‘ghost-ride’ video is this one where one of the kids panics, hops in the car and slams on the brakes forgetting that his friend is dancing on top of the car. It’s a shoulder-dislocating gooooood time!
I was recently out with a friend who told me that she recently met a motivational speaker at a party. The speaker was a man who once did stupid things in college while he was drunk, such as trying to jump from one balcony to another, which in turn put him in a coma for a while. So now the guy goes around colleges telling people not to do stupid things.
Fuck that.
Without people doing stupid things, we wouldn’t have Jackass, Jackass the Movie, Jackass Part 2, the upcoming Jackass 3, Wildboyz, Dr. Steve-O, Viva La Bam, additional and future spinoffs of the Jackass franchise AND ‘Ghost Ride Your Whip’, which by the way is what’s wicked hot right now.
Topics: Dan, wicked hot | No Comments »
Where’s the Beef?
By Dan | June 29, 2008
Remember when McDonalds used to have balls? I don’t mean the balls in the PlayPlace areas, but the balls to deliver what gluttons wanted:
Arch Deluxe
McRib
Supersized Fries
Supersized Coke
The “Add-Bacon” Sandwich Option
Ever since “Super-Size-Me” came out, McDonalds has turned into a shell of its former self, and I for one am sick of it.
I got up this morning and started watching Phantom Gourmet. For those of you who haven’t seen the show it’s basically one full hour of photos of food. There may be some talking, but I never pay attention, I’m hypnotized by the food like a baby is to Teletubbies.
On this particular episode the “Phantom” was going to do his “Top of the Food Chain” special for fast food burgers, a segment where he taste tests and ranks the three most popular burgers in fast food: The Big Mac (McDonalds), the Whopper (Burger King), and the Classic Double (Wendy’s). I was extremely interested in how this would turn out. I even decided that I would buy the burger that Phatom picked and eat it for lunch. Would he pick the Big Mac or Classic Double? I simply assumed the Whopper would finish last, there’s no way that gross thing could compete.
I assumed wrong.
The Phantom picked the Whopper because its burger fit the bun perfectly, and the patty was flame broiled. The Big Mac which has been my champion for so long finished dead last.
Enraged, I turned off the TV, got my car keys and ran out to my car. I wasn’t about to let that BULLSHIT television segment sour me on the Big Mac.
I pull in and quickly get my #1 with a large Diet Coke (watching my figure), pull into the McDonalds parking lot and begin to chow down. As my taste buds welcomed back the familiar flavor of russian dressing on shredded lettuce mixed with peppered hamburger and seseme seed bun, I couldn’t help but think that Phantom was right about something.
The Big Mac isn’t really ’big’ at all.
A triple bun does make it seem larger than the average burger, but it contains the same amount of beef as the double cheeseburger on the dollar menu. That hardly seems fair. This is the Big Mac people, America’s most recognizable representative on the global fast food market. Those buns should be packed with meat (nyahahaha).
As always, it looked like it was up to me to solve America’s problems. Number one problem at the moment? How to make the Big Mac bigger
As luck would have it I had an extra pair of my ‘thinking pants’ in the backseat of my car (extra roomy and more pockets– for thinking). As soon as I had zipped them up, the idea hit me. The Mega Mac! It would be a Big Mac, but instead of regular beef patties, they use Quarter Pound patties! GENIUS!!!!!
Unfortunately after doing some research on Wikipedia it turns out that there already was a Mega Mac. It featured 4 regular beef patties and is currently sold in the nations of Ireland and Japan and even some parts of the U.S. under the name ‘Double Big Mac’.
The Quarter Pound Patty Big Mac was also done before. In honor of Alaska’s Mount McKinley, McDonalds made the ‘McKinley Mac’ made exclusively for the state of Alaska.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’ll still eat at McDonalds, but unless I start getting something back in this relationship, I’m gonna have to pledge my allegiance to Wendy’s. Gluttonous burgers made exclusively for Alaska? What’s next? Double McRib in Wyoming? Triple Arch Deluxe in the Mojave Desert?
You should be ashamed of yourself Ronald McDonald.
Take him away boys.
Topics: Dan, Food, Personal | No Comments »
An Open Entry for Mr. Coco Crisp
By TheSexauer | June 28, 2008
Starting this evening (Saturday, June 28), Coco Crisp, center fielder for the Boston Red Sox, begins serving his 5-game suspension. He is serving such punishment for his role in the June 5 bench clearing brawl during a home game against the Tampa Bay Rays. According to MLB rules, a suspended player may take part in pregame practice with the team but once the game begins, said player must vacate the premises for the duration of the game. What the player does at that time is up to the player himself.
So I compose this blog entry with the assumption that Coco Crisp is alone in his hotel room, Googling himself. When he does, and this post inevitably comes up on the list of websites with his name on them, he will be able to benefit from what I have to offer.
Mr. Crisp, if you are reading this, here are a few options that you may enjoy considering while you serve out your suspension in Tampa Bay:
1. Watch the game from the stands.
First of all, this would be an unprecedented move. No one would suspect to see you AT the game, let alone sitting in the bleachers, drinking a beer and flagging down the hot dog guy. If you choose this option, beware! Tampa Bay fans are experiencing a heightened sense of baseball euphoria. Since the team’s inception in 1998 they have never enjoyed a season record over .500. But now, more than halfway into the season, they are enjoying a 17-game over .500 second place position. And you’re the guy that picked a fight with them. I suggest sitting in the stands wearing Groucho Marx glasses, with the nose and moustache, just in case.
2. Go to a local St. Petersburg bar…
…and get wicked drunk. For this, I highly highly recommend Ferg’s Sports Bar, just across the street from Tropicana Field. While you’re there, remind everyone as loud as you can that Dan Marino has 3 less Super Bowl rings than Tom Brady’s 3 Super Bowl rings. And while you’re at it, please grab your crotch and tell everyone exactly how I feel about Mercury Morris (note: I do not care for Mercury Morris.)
Yes, I know that people in that region may not actually be Dolphin fans but Buccaneers fans, but as I say, “when in Rome…”
3. On the way out of the stadium to serve the suspension, go through Sean Casey’s wallet.
Take his Master Card. Go back to the hotel room and order the nudey channels. When you guys check out Thursday morning, it will be a hoot. Trust me.
4. Take in St. Petersburg’s local culture attractions.
- The Salvador Dali Museum (yep, the kooky moustache guy)
- The Florida International Museum (currently showing: highlights of Vatican art)
- The State Theater (Christian METALCORE band Demon Hunter performing)
- The Friendship Trail Bridge (a bridge)
While you’re at any of these places, please remember to grab your crotch and tell everyone exactly how I feel about Mercury Morris (see #2).
5. Go back to your hotel room and Google yourself.
You just might like what you find.
So there you have it, Mr. Crisp. enjoy your stay in St. Petersburg. And if all else fails, remember - there is a ball game on TV.
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Champzilla’s Balls Across America: In Defense of the Peanut Guy at Fenway
By Dan | May 17, 2008
Have you ever gone to a ballgame and tried to figure out where the vendors fit on the “vendor totem pole”? I’m pretty sure that the most skilled vendors are on Hot Dog duty. They have to lug around the heaviest load and it seems to yield the most tips. Kettle Corn seems to be at the very bottom. The vendor is always some pimply faced kid who seems to be embarassed by the fact that he’s selling kettle corn. He know’s no one’s gonna buy it, and even if they did, kettle corn eaters probably don’t tip.
The Peanut vendor has to be right below hot dogs on the food vendor chain-of-command. He doesn’t have to lug around something as heavy as a metal vat of hot dogs, but he does have to be very accurate when throwing the peanuts. It takes skill to be able to land the bag in the hands of the customer and not the unexpecting senior citizen who is watching the ballgame while simulateously keeping score the old-fashioned way.
I always wondered if there is a test peanut vendors have to pass in order to sell the product, maybe practice on dummies or something. I also wondered how long of a distance are they allowed to throw? It seems like they have to be vending in the section in which the customer is seated, but is there a limit to how many rows they can throw past? Is there a correlation between the distance of the throw and the amount of their tip?
Because I’m so fascinated by the art of peanut vending, I always try to challenge the vendor, like holding a beer in one hand and streching my other arm out really far so he’d be forced to hit the extended hand, which leaves very little room for error. He always answers my challenges, but I also know that if I drop the bag after he throws me a perfect pass I look like a fool, thus humiliating myself in front of everyone in the ballpark (which has never happened by the way). I’ve found that its not very hard to catch the bag since its very large and bulky and have come to the conclusion that to drop the bag I would have to be very drunk.
I went to the Sox game today and a woman in front of me ordered peanuts from the peanut vendor who was only 2 rows away. The vendor chose to lob an underhand pass to her. I assume he did this because he accounted for the short distance and that she was obviously drunk. The girl squeamishly held up her hands in front of her face, not really commiting to catching her peanuts at all, almost looking like she was scared of the bag. At the risk of sounding sexist, it was a very ‘girly’ way of preparing to catch a bag of peanuts.
The vendor aimed right for her hands, and guess what, he hit them. Did she catch the bag? No, because she’s an annoying little princess who can’t catch. The bag bumped her hands and flew over her head. Now, this shouldn’t be a big deal, but her boyfriend and an annoying Andrew Dice Clay wannabe started giving the vendor shit.
“Hey, pal, not for nuthin kid, but you gotta work on your throw, yknow what im sayin? Work on that throw kid.”
“Yeah man, you ain’t gonna get too many tips if you throw like that. OH!“
The girl who should be the one being embarassed gets this look of total validation on her face as if to say ‘Yeah, thats right. It was the peanut guy’s fault. He threw it bad. I’m perfect. Julio Lugo tries hard, we should support him more.’ (wicked gay) I looked at the now shamed peanut guy and said “Hey. I thought it was a perfect pitch.” He didn’t say anything back, or even acknowledge me for that matter, but I think he knew that I was on his side.
A couple of innings later the guy next to me asked for peanuts. The same vendor was there, 8 rows down this time. He tossed them up, classic overhand with a slight arc this time, and if the guy hadn’t stood up just in time and reached waaaaay above his head, the pass would have missed. At first I said to myself ‘Shit. Maybe the peanut guy does suck.” But then I remembered what the job of the peanut guy is. He’s there for guys like me, who will never play professional baseball, but want the thrill of making that amazing catch. He challenges us, so we too can experience the thrill of wowing the Fenway faithful with an amazing peanut bag grab. Even the guy who caught the real tricky bag got a lot of praise from the surrounding fans.
So remember. If you drop the bag of peanuts, don’t do the classless thing and blame the peanut guy for giving you a bad throw. Instead thank him for making your ballpark experience that much more exciting, and then punch yourself in the balls for being such a puss. The pain will remind you never to drop the bag again.
Topics: Balls Across America, Food, Sports | No Comments »
Bulletpointed Movie Review: Iron Man
By Dan | May 10, 2008
Iron Man stars:
-Robert Downey Jr. who played Special Agent John Royce in “U.S. Marshals”, which is a rather forgettable role, but the performance which prompted Joe Pantoliano to utter one of my favorite movie quotes of all time– “The guy just broke my fucking glasses.” (Note: Quote happened after Robert Downey Jr’s character broke Mr. Pantoliano’s character’s ‘fucking glasses’)
-The Dude from “The Big Lebowski”
-The lead black guy from “Hustle and Flow”
-A damn fine looking Gwyneth Paltrow
-Al Quaeda
-Nerdy arab guy who teaches Iron Man how to ‘love’
-Robotic arm designed to assist Iron Man and provide comic releif (P.S.– Mission Accompished)
Iron Man received an “PG-13” rating for:
-scenes where Iron Man single handedly destroys terrorism in Afghanistan
-Robert Downey Jr. boozing it up
-Gwyneth Paltrow looking damn fine
-two men figthing in robot suits
-Robert Downey Jr. pulling a 3 foot long rubber tube out of his nose (2 more feet and it would have been hilarious)
-”The Dude” goes all evil on us
The Plot
-Tony Stark is a douchebag-billionaire-genius
-Al Quaeda kidnaps him and an Arab nerd and force them to build a missle
-They decide to build a robot suit instead
-The robot suit destroys everything, but the nerdy arab guy dies in all the broo-ha-ha
-The robot suit blows up or something, I forget
-Did I mention that when Tony Stark was kidnapped his heart was damaged so he built himself a robot heart? Well he did. Its pretty cool.
-Tony Stark gets rescued by his black friend from the Air Force
-Tony Stark doesnt wanna build weapons anymore, which gets the Dude upset
-Tony Stark builds a robot suit that looks wicked awesome and when he wears it he becomes IRON MAN
-The Dude turns out to be evil and builds his own robot suit out of the robot suit that blew up in the desert
-Iron Man kicks the shit out of bad guys and blows up a tank, which was awesome, because he just fires a small missle and starts walking away, and I’m all like ‘what the fuck’, but then the tank blows up behind him, so I turn to my brother and say ‘dude, that was sick.”
-Robot suit battle
(SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
(DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE ENDING SPOILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-Iron Man wins
The good:
-It was all good
The bad:
-No Gwyneth Paltrow nudity, but she wears a backless dress, which was wicked hot
-Iron Man 2 does not immediately start after the credits end
Final Grade: A+
Topics: Uncategorized | No Comments »
Gay for a Day!
By Sarah | May 5, 2008
If Champzilla can have man-crushes, I might as well have lady-crushes.
I think men and women alike can agree that women are, in general, much nicer to look at than men. That being said, it’s quite possible for a woman to recognize and appreciate another woman’s beauty. Doesn’t mean we want to have pillow fights in our nighties. Although, given the chance, these are the women I would totally go lesbian for.
to make things simple, i’ll narrow it down to my hottest actress/singer/model.
Actress: Rachel Weisz
First I have to comment on her amazing range. Who else can do adventure/comedy (The Mummy), supernatural thriller (Constantine), romantic comedy (Definitely, Maybe) and some actual not-crappy movies (The Constant Gardener) and do it with amazing grace and style. I sort of take her to be a natural beauty, the kind that still looks elegant without tons of makeup. She doesn’t overdo her hair or overpluck her brows. She has a cute impish smile too. Also appears to have some womanly curves, and there is nothing wrong with that. She seems classy and cultured. We’d snog, then read poetry and cuddle.
Singer: Gwen Stefani
Lately she is constantly preggers, but long ago in a galaxy far, far away, in the days of No Doubt, she impressed upon me a cool rock-chick vibe. I guess punk can sometimes be sexy (is that the Suicide Girls appeal?) Eventually she would go anorexic for her solo career, but back in the day she was healthy and sporty. She seems like she’d be boss to hang out with. We’d snog, then smoke pot and play Frisbee.
Model: Adrianna Lima
Here is an exotic Brazilian beauty. She’s the Victoria’s Secret model who sports the angry face, sometimes to the point of looking evil. In a sexy sort of way. I fear that part of this is having a slightly messed-up grill, but honestly, with jugs like that, who’s looking at her teeth? She’s also purported to be very religious, and thus a virgin. God, I love the chase! We’d snog, then go to church and repent.
Topics: Sarah | No Comments »
Champzilla’s Balls Across America: Dodger Stadium
By Dan | May 3, 2008
Just got back from my Los Angeles/Las Vegas Trip last week, and think I’ve finally managed to recover from it. While Las Vegas is my favorite city in the whole wide world and probably the inspiration for hundreds of future posts, Los Angeles was an absolute shithole.
The traffic in Los Angeles is worse than anything I’ve ever seen, and I’ve driven to Cape Cod on 93 South during an IKEA sale. Traffic stops dead in L.A. at 2:30 in the afternoon, and barely budges for hours, and the smog in the city is so bad it makes you feel like you’ve driven onto the set of Stephen King’s “The Mist”. I got to see the Hollywood sign, but I really could’ve given two shits. The #1 reason for driving the 4 hours (not including traffic) from Vegas to L.A. was to see Dodger Stadium, home of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
I’ll be honest– I would have much rather seen Angel Stadium. It consistently gets high rankings in sports magazines as one of the nations best ballparks, and I’m also a big Vlad Guerrero fan (last of the great Expos). Unfortunately, the Angels were all the way back in Boston, which meant the only ballpark available to see a game in was Dodger Stadium.
Dodger Stadium is currently the fifth oldest ballpark in the majors, soon to be third with the Yankees and Mets both getting new homes next year. Having first opened in 1962, it has a real 1960’s feel to it, which makes it very unique from its older brothers Fenway Park and Wrigley Field which still have their turn-of-the-century charms. Dodger Stadium was the last stadium to be built before the “multi-purpose stadium era” and is currently the oldest ballpark on the West Coast.
My ticket was in the Outfield Pavillion. The ticket cost 30 dollars and included all-you-can-eat concessions. I can’t begin to tell you what an unbeleiveable deal that is. Not only am I watching a major-league game from homerun ball territory, I get all the nachos, peanuts, popcorn, hot dogs, and soda I can eat/drink. Give the man whoever thought this one up an award, because he needs to be recognized for his genius (Note to ladies: You know this idea wasn’t created by a woman, so don’t even think about sending me complaints).
As luck would have it one of my top three favorite Red Sox pitchers of all time was on the mound: Derek “she-hit-the-flo’-next-thing-you-know-shorty-got” Lowe (he honestly came out to that song). It really was a pleasure seeing him pitch again, and not to mention seeing him hit live for the first time, even if he is a Dodger now. Nomar was there too, but I didn’t wanna get too close, I don’t want him cursing the Sox again.
Two things really urked me about Dodger Stadium. One was the shitty hot dogs. I know they’re free, but a Dodger dog has surpassed the Oriole Park Eskee-Dog as the worst ballpark frank I’ve ever eaten. It was very rubbery and salty, kind of dried out even. The bun was shit too. Why can’t I get a normal hot dog bun for my hot dog? The other thing that really got under my skin is the fact that I couldn’t walk around the stadium with my Pavillion ticket. I was trapped inside this small area, completely shut out from seeing the entire Stadium. I couldn’t even get access to the official team gift shop to get my souvenier baseball! Now that’s a serious flaw (all-you-can-eat nachos almost made up for it).
The best thing about Dodger Stadium is that it’s deliciously retro. It’s very rare nowadays for a ballpark to make you feel like you’ve just walked into a specific decade in time, and I did have a feeling as if I was walking around in the 1960’s. Maybe it’s the bench seats in the pavillion area, or the dulled flourescent colors seen throughout the Stadium, but Dodger Stadium definitely has an atmosphere of pure baseball nostalgia that only it can offer fans. It even has a trough in the Men’s room for Christ sake! I haven’t pissed in a trough since I was 5 years old at my first Red Sox game. I didn’t even know they still existed in the Major League! I didn’t have to pull my pants down to my ankles, lift my shirt up, stand on my tippy-toes and rest my penis on the edge like I did back then in Fenway, but I almost wanted to just for oldtime’s sake.
All in all, Dodger Stadium is a good take, and one of the only reasons I can think of for visiting L.A. I recommend sitting in the Pavillion section for the All-You-Can-Eat concessions and the blessing of not having to be forced to see Los Angeles’ shitty skyline during the game.
Final score- 7 out of 10 balls
Topics: Balls Across America, Dan, Food, Sports | No Comments »
Champzilla.com presents “What’s Wicked Gay Right Now” no. XXIX
By Dan | April 18, 2008
What’s wicked gay right now?
Music.
Yes, all of it.
I remember being so excited for music when I was in high school, but now I just don’t care.
Someone recently told me that I should see U23D because it’s so cool to watch U2 in 3D. I thought U2 was gay in 2D, what would they do in a 3D movie, grab my balls?
I’m sorry U2, that was a little harsh. I never really minded U2 before, but it just becomes more and more apparent as I get older just how faggy that band really is. They always have to care about something. Africa. Third World Debt. Hurricane Victims. Aids. Why can’t they just play music? Why is that so hard for these guys? Quit being soooooo gay Bono.
Last U2 concert I went to was at the TD Banknorth Garden a few years ago when it was still called the Fleet Center. It was a really great show, one of the best I’ve ever been to, but there was one thing that really bothered me. I left the stage area one time to get a hot dog and a beer, and I got hassled by Greenpeace asking me to sign a petition. I went to get more beer and I got hassled by Greenpeace again. I went to go to the bathroom and I got hassled on the way in, and hassled on the way out. U2 allowed greenpeace to hassle me. Gay. Wicked gay.
I never signed anything, I was just too annoyed. When asked to sign, I’d say “Yeah, I already did.” After the fourth time being hassled, I thought I’d give Bono a piece of my mind. Luckily I had tickets right up front, so I could easily just walk right up to the stage to talk to him- or so I thought.
I get right up front, and Bono is singing “With or Without You”, grabbing his chest, closing his eyes, being really emotional (gay).
“With or without yoooooooooou…..”
“Excuse me, Mr. Bono…….”
“With or without you, ahhhhhh huhhhhhhhhh….”
“…….why did you make it ok for Greenpeace to bug me?”
“I can’t liiiiiiiiiiive…….”
“See, I just wanted a beer……..”
“With or withooooooout yoooooooooou…….”
“And they just keep bugging me…….”
“OHHHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHHHHHH OH OHHHHHHHHHH, WOOOOOAH OHHHHH OH OH OHHHHHHH, WOAHHHHHHHHHHH OHHHH OH OHHHHHH HMMMMMMM MMMMMMM….”
“I see that your busy, I’ll try this again later…..”
Its not just U2 that annoys me, it just seems like everything about music lately. All these annoying hit singles like “Low” by Flo Rida piss me off beyond belief, but at the same time get stuck in my head and won’t get out. I’ll be at work and I’ll be mumbling “she hit the flo…… next thang you know……” It’s embarassing.
And remember when being an Ozzy fan used to be cool? After being several years removed from that reality show he STILL isn’t cool! He’s been trying hard, putting out some OK material too, but its not just the same.
Metal is a mess now too. There’s a band called Atreyu. I’ve never heard them, but I legit heard about them from a 17 year old girl who said that I would like them becasue “they’re really cool, and they rock so hard.”
Now I could have gone to itunes and listened to the group, but I did what I normally do and researched everything about them on wikipedia. I read about 3 lines and made up my mind if the band sucks or not (P.S.–it sucks). The band is actually named after the character from the Never Ending Story, because no movie screams METAL more than the Never Ending fucking Story. WICKED GAY! I’ve decided that with all the metal tags out there (Speed Metal, Thrash Metal, Metalcore, Nu-Metal) I’m going to make my own tag and put Atreyu right at the top of the list. That tag is Girl Metal. That’s right, Metal for girls, and you’re about to be put on that list Lamb of God (also recommended by aforementioned 17 year-old girl).
And what’s with the Cleveland Symphony Orchetra this year? I just don’t know about this season. Most European of the American orchestras my ass! If you’re going to bore us to tears with the harpsicord, at least choose pieces from the Baroque period that may actually be worth while. Just take a note from the Philadelphia Philaharmonic. No one handles Handel quite like they handle Handel (Note to self: Brilliant.)
If you wanna take a break from the suckfest of modern music, I suggest seeing the Rolling Stones film “Shine a Light” on the IMAX. They may be old as hell, and they’re faces have so much old skin flaps they resemble the vaginas described in Sarah’s latest post, but at least the music kicks ass because its the Stones- survivors of a time when music wasn’t so gay. So wicked wicked gay.
Topics: wicked gay | No Comments »